


Young Adult Traumatic Experience Recovery

by AERS_Radio



Category: Free!
Genre: Aftermath of Torture, Angst, Birthday Party, Break Up, Comfort Sex, Dissection, Grief/Mourning, Guilt, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Rape/Non-con, Isolation, Long-Distance Friendship, Loooooots of Angst, Mental Breakdown, Multi, Murder, Name Changes, Nightmares, Panic Attacks, Paranoia, Physical Abuse, Protectiveness, Recovery, Science Ethics, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Sleeping Pills, Spying, Stress, Wakes & Funerals, yep plenty of Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-30
Updated: 2015-12-16
Packaged: 2018-04-28 23:27:43
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 18
Words: 27,769
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5109431
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AERS_Radio/pseuds/AERS_Radio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Hell doesn't get easier the second time you're dragged through it.”<br/>Five years after surviving the Adolescent Mental Resistance project, the former Iwatobi and Samezuka students are simply trying to get on with life, but a familiar voice is about to reappear. Guessing what for will play on their minds until someone reaches another breaking point, and throw their worst memories back at them.<br/><br/>A sequel to the second ending of Redmangos' aforementioned torture fic in which the boys' memories are not erased.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Makoto & Haruka

**Author's Note:**

  * Inspired by [The Adolescent Mental Resistance project](https://archiveofourown.org/works/4458947) by [Redmangos](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Redmangos/pseuds/Redmangos). 



> I might as well warn from the start: the plot is very dark, full of angst and it won't end well. The boys may be OOC compared to _Free!_ , because this is 5 years after a devastating event in their lives none were prepared for... Ship-wise, there will be a pair of friends with benefits and a couple in love.
> 
> The first arc will situate where everyone is in life. Roughly speaking, the events of chapters 1-2 happen a month before those in 3-4-5, which all finish on the day before 6. I hope that's a clear enough timeline.
> 
> Rated M for violence, mental distress, language, some sexual content.

“ **Knock it off** , dude, I can get it myself!”

“No Haru, keep eating, I'll get it.”

“No Makoto, _I_ 'll get it, _you_ eat! You haven't had a bite yet!”

“Ran! You've been in the bathroom for ages! Get a move on, you'll be late!”

“ **Knock it off** , _onii-chan_ , I'm nearly done!”

“Where's my backpack gone? I left it here.”

“Ah yeah, that's what I was doing. What are your lessons today again, Ren?”

“The fuck, you're not rummaging through my bag again, are you?!”

“Oi, don't talk to me like that, Ren! I'm just making sure you have everything.”

“ **Knock it off** , Makoto, I'm 17! Stop being so nosey!”

“Ah! Don't yank it, it's all going to fall out! At least let met close it...”

“No, let go! Get your hands off of my things!”

“What's going on here? Oh geez, he's not doing this again, is he?! Give it back to him! I swear, _onii-chan_ , I'm telling Mum and Dad you've gone too far when they come back!”

 

Makoto froze upon hearing his sister. Ren took advantage and pulled hard on his backpack, which came out of Makoto's arms with more ease than he thought. This put him off-balance, and his pencilcase went flying into Haru's face as he returned from the kitchen. The adolescent picked it up, and grumpily stuffed it back into his bag before sealing it. In his anger, he didn't think to apologise to Haru. Instead, he joined his twin in looking at their defeated brother accusingly.

Makoto was trying to make sure everything was perfect, _or else_ , and he usually only stopped when one of his parents said he should **knock it off**. His parents, the authority, were away for a week, so it was the threat of them finding out that he had become too intrusive that cut him off. _Oh no,_ _what will happen to me when they get back?_ He looked apologetically at his siblings, but they just turned their backs and walked away to finish their preparations. Saying sorry would have worked a few years earlier, but now they were teenagers. Still kind, they had become more impatient and irritable as Makoto had gone from helpful to invasive.

Makoto looked to Haru for support, but found none.

“I told you to calm down. Now eat.” Haru just put the tray he was carrying on the table and he, in turn, left.

“Eating alone”, thought Makoto. “This is my punishment, I guess. I deserve it.” And he ate quickly, almost binging to quell his misery. In fact, he had finished in time to see his siblings out the door for their day of school. Still unnerved by his attitude, they didn't return a wave or a smile. “They really are angry, they've probably already told on me”, Makoto thought. He would likely spend the day expecting a text from his parents saying that they were disappointed in him.

 

He plodded upstairs, not knowing what to do next, when he saw Haru in the bathroom, standing near the bath, not moving, wearing his swimsuit.

“He's mad at me, he won't want me right now”, Makoto thought, walking away to his bedroom. Haru heard the wooden floor creak and turned around.

“Makoto...”, he called. His voice was timid, and Makoto saw his imploring face. It was a cry for help. Although Haru hadn't stood up for him earlier and even coldly left him to face his dark feelings, Makoto couldn't ignore Haru. He didn't have it in him to exact revenge, so he silently entered the bathroom and turned the taps on before grabbing his chair.

Bathing wasn't a matter of hygiene for Haru, as he was capable of washing himself. It was more a question of keeping in touch with the water-lover he used to be. Part of him never lost that love, but where once he was at his strongest, he now felt vulnerable. He was only capable of immerging himself if he was confident in his surroundings. This was true for baths, but also pools and the sea. True to his promise, he had tested swimming again with Makoto by his side, but he feared that someone would pounce on him or yank him down and try to drown him. Outside, the danger could come from any direction, whereas in the bathroom, the door was the only way in, and a trusted presence could control the situation. Of course, his most trustworthy companion was Makoto. Rei was another he trusted, and technically Nagisa too, but when he had tried him, the blond boy still had crutches, and Haru wasn't sure he could fight off whatever would threaten him. He sometimes wondered if he could have trusted Rin when he had been around.

So there they were, Haru and Makoto, sitting side by side, separated by the wall of the bathtub. Both were, to some extent, scared. Haru tried to relax, but his nerves were always on stand-by in the water. Makoto, meanwhile, felt anxious. If the phone rang, he'd be in a panic, not knowing whether to get up or not. If his parents were going to tell him off, he would be expected to go and pick up straight away, but that meant he would leave Haru alone and upset him for a second time in less than half an hour.

As it was, the phone wasn't ringing. The worry still overwhelmed Makoto. Tears began to fall down his cheeks. He cried quietly, but Haru noticed. He popped his head out from below the surface and spoke gently.

“Makoto, I'm sorry for getting mad at you.” Makoto sighed a trembling sigh, and sniffled. His friend shouldn't be sorry for protesting. He was the one at fault.

“Why can't... I control myself?”, he groaned. “Why do I... [sniff] ... always h... have to... wait for someone to tell me... that I have to **knock it off**?”

Having faced the possibility of all his friends' deaths during the experiment, he had become even more protective of his loved ones, at a time when some of his loved ones were seeking more independence. Even Haru was trying to look forward. Makoto's parents were encouraging him to consider showing his paintings to the world. They were very cold, predominantly blue images, not very jolly, inspired by that sinking feeling, but they were well executed. He could make a little money out of it, although there was no urgency for that, as the lab had effectively paid out huge sums to the families, precisely to allow them to cater for their destroyed children without having to worry about the costs. Haru might even achieve fame through art, like he had been expected to for another reason before the experiment had made him wary of the water.

Rei was studying. Nagisa was working. Gou was studying. Haru was painting. Makoto was doing nothing of the sort. A couple of years earlier, a relapse of the virus had made him fall back to the state he was in after the experiment. He was lagging behind the others, two and a half years behind the trend, and he felt isolated by that, which made matters worse.

Makoto crumbled to the floor, venting his frustration louder. He held on to the side of the bath with one arm, on which he rested his head, hiding his face. Haru understood. He always did. Still, it hurt him to no end to see Makoto in this state. He'd love to have a solution, to suggest something ground-breaking, but “a dream isn't something you can find just by looking for one”, so he once thought. All he could do was listen, with one hand placed on Makoto's head.

After a while, Makoto finally showed his eyes again. They were bloodshot and sore. And their owner moved on to another depressing thought.

“Man, I'm so sorry I impose this on you”, he said. Haru shook his head. “Don't be”, it meant. Not a word was said, yet Makoto could hear the messages. “I'm here for you, Makoto.” The brown-haired man managed to relax a little, before concluding.

“I just can't get over that second time. I guess it's not surprising that Rin... did what he did.”


	2. Aiichiro & Momotaro

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you spot the Pink Floyd reference?

“Living alone is the worst thing you can do.”

No matter how many times his psychiatrist said it, Aiichiro was still unconvinced. Sure, it wasn't _good_ for him, but that it was better than feeling guilty for imposing his unusual habits on a flat-mate, a friend or a parent, wasn't clear. He had only tolerated living with Momotaro because he had the same kind of problem. They shared a certain fear of the other, and knowing that gave them restraint and forced respect. Some negative traits started dying down.

But suddenly, from one day to the next, Rin was gone. It hit Ai hard. His relationship with Rin had evolved little over time, and, until the end, Rin was a kind, encouraging friend to Ai, and the latter continued to admire the former's determination. Back in the day, it was Rin's focus to become a world-class swimmer that had caught his eye; since the experiment, Ai became inspired by Rin's will to lead a normal, peaceful existence in Iwatobi Town. Something that, he had been devastated to find out, Rin had given up on. All he had to remember his _senpai_ was a goodbye note, which he kept framed on his desk. “You're a hard worker, always have been. I know you'll put your mind to overcoming your troubles, and you'll succeed.” He read it out loud sometimes, trying to imitate Rin so that he would maintain a memory of his voice.

 

It was just after Rin's departure, and moving to Tottori, nearer to Momo's older brother, that the sightings began. Men dressed all in white, with a recognisable Toe Labs logo on their coats, were appearing in their neighbourhood. They stalked the boys when they went walking in the park, they popped up in between the aisles when they went shopping... Ai didn't always see them, but when he did, he only caught a fleeting glimpse out of the corner of his eye. He'd turn to look, but they'd be gone. He couldn't put his finger on whether they were real or not. Momo, however, was certain of their existence. The lab was following them. They might have some sort of tracking chip on them because these people found them in even when they were touring somewhere new. He wanted to chase these men, hunt them down, catch them and make them talk. This made Aiichiro once more fearful of Momotaro, who was on the lookout for the men in white, hoping to pounce on them and beat them into confessing what they were doing. Ai felt this would land them both in deadly trouble, probably sent back to the US for another session of torture to punish them, so he became forceful in trying to hold Momo back.

But if the determined ginger-haired boy couldn't get his hands on the men, he'd get his hands on some other proof. One morning, Ai woke up tied to his bed, with Momo touching his body all over, pressing, palping, pinching, prodding between his ribs, trying to detect a hard device under his skin that would be the geolocator. Ai was terrified, panicked, he screamed and wriggled, and fortunately, Momotaro's bounds came undone easily. Once he had freed himself, he fought off his flat-mate, punching and shouting at him furiously.

“What would you have done if you found it, Momo-kun? Dissected me alive to take it out?!”

 

That incident happened around a year ago. It had shattered the trust between them. Momotaro couldn't believe that Aiichiro had beaten him up more intently than the experimenters, while Aiichiro was so scared by what Momotaro had done, that he decided to leave the apartment. Momo moved in with his older brother, and Ai found a place to himself. The two forgave each other quickly, and remained on good terms and in contact. Both understood that they were unwell. Ai hoped that Seijuro's guidance would put his lively former _kohai_ right. But without Rin, and believing he wasn't a good person to live with, Ai had no guidance of his own and lived isolated. The fact that he had started to believe what Momotaro had claimed for so long, that the experiment wasn't over, made him even more timid. It was Nagisa who helped him to get out again, although he couldn't walk alone. He was scared to look around, in case his eyes met a man in white. He once dreamed that if he looked directly at one, he'd be chased, caught, forcibly given those horrible hallucinogens, then left in a delirious state in the street, with the people around him labelling him “trash”, “low-life” and “druggie”, among other things.

Most of the time, he lived with the curtains drawn, only looking out if something caught his attention. One evening, the sound of an unusual horn in the street did just that. He went to the window, muttering “whatever is that?” to himself, only to see his worst nightmare: a man in white standing in front of his building's gate, staring at his window. With a petrified gasp, he quickly put the curtain back. He wanted to check, but he feared that by doing so, he'd see the man coming in closer. The thought of it made him tremble and scream with terror. He looked at the door. Was the man going to try to break in? He ran over to the door, and made sure that it was locked. Panting at a fast pace, he ran around the apartment, closing down the shutters along the way. When that was done, he still wasn't tranquil. He was still breathing heavily, and the panic was about to make him break down in tears. He had to escape it before it paralysed him. He darted for the bathroom. Ignoring how pale he was in the mirror, he opened the cupboard above the sink and pulled out as many packs of medicine he could in one go. He hurriedly rummaged through the pile of boxes and containers that had fallen in the sink, looking for _those pills_.

“Where the fuck are they?”, he yelled, banging his fist on the porcelain, before the right container caught his eye on the floor. He dove and landed with a thud, and he unscrewed the plastic bottle, emptying the contents into his mouth. He didn't bother with any water. After another moment of gasping for air, he then tried to get up and drag himself to bed, but with his high heart rate, the drugs got into his system quickly. His arms and legs became weak and gave way, and Ai slipped into unconsciousness.

 

He woke up some time later, as his mobile phone rang. It was Momotaro. With his head still hurting, Ai was in no mood for another conspiracy theory, but he figured he'd better answer, so as not to worry Momo.

“Momo-kun”, he croaked, “now's not a good time.”

“Shit, you sound awful!”, was the reply. “What's happened to you?” Ai wasn't sure. Then he noticed the empty container next to his hand.

“I took the orange alert”, Ai confessed.

“Ouch, a bad panic attack, huh? I should be quick and let you rest, then. I just wanted to say, Rei-kun came to see my brother yesterday, and he talked about the experiment again. He insists that I should know nothing, but, you know, I listen in... Anyway, this time, he talked about Nagisa's trial. He sounded really happy about it. You think that's weird, right? That he's happy about what the guy he's living with went through?”

“Mmuh, Momo-kun, I really can't follow you. My head hurts too much”, Ai moaned.

“Oh ok, I'll call you back. Oh! And another thing, after Rei-kun left, there was this horn sound in the street, and when I looked, there was a guy in white! Coincidence? I think not...” Ai gasped. He suddenly remembered something like that happening before he took the pills.

“Anyway, yeah, I'm going to leave you alone now”, Momotaro concluded. “I'll call you another time!” He hung up, and a relieved Aiichiro simply let his phone fall to the floor; it was only a few inches. He groaned in pain. He couldn't get up just yet.

“I should consider getting myself interned”, he said, bringing his hand to his aching head.

When he finally did have the force to hoist himself into a standing position, he saw the orange container on the floor.

“Aw, now I have to do that all again”, he moaned to himself as he kneeled, while still holding on to either the sink or the bath. He picked it up and pulled himself back up. He read the label on it out loud, “orange alert – for serious panic attacks only – quick KO”, and proceeded to run through the list of sleeping pills and tranquilisers he needed to fill his emergency container again.

“Orange alert, primed”, he said as he put it back in the cupboard above the sink. He then noticed a red plastic bottle, slightly larger than the orange one. Every time he saw it, he evaluated himself. He spoke: “yes it's bad that I took the orange, but I'm not desperate. I'll ask to see Nagisa-kun, that'll make me feel better.” That last sentence made it clear that Aiichiro had no intention to use that container.

The label on it said: “red alert – lethal – so that they don't take me alive”.


	3. Nagisa & Rei

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sexual content is only in this chapter, there will be no more. I'm a bit shy on publishing this TBH, but it was important to get this relationship correctly depicted, and I think this was the way to do it.

It was a wonderful day, and Nagisa had rightly insisted on going to the beach. In his bright pink bermuda shorts, he was running around, tossing an inflatable ball and laughing. Rei was sitting placidly, and closed his eyes as the sea breeze softly ran up to his face. His hair was long enough for him to feel the back of it lift gently off his neck. The sun was warm on his skin, but the air wasn't too hot. The cloudless sky, the sound of the ocean waves, the sight of the islands he and his friends had trained on in high school; what a treat this weekend out was!

After a short moment, he noticed he couldn't hear Nagisa anymore. He looked around, and assumed he'd just run off. Then he stopped hearing the waves. Hm, this was problematic. He brought his hand up to his glasses in thought. Hang on, where were his glasses? He looked down, around in the sand and under his towel. Nothing. It was strange, because he could see clearly, so he didn't need glasses, yet he was worried that he'd lost them. He still couldn't hear the waves, and he couldn't hear the footsteps either. A shadow on the ground caught his attention from the right-hand side, but he only had time to get up, turn and recognise _that guy from the lab!_ before he felt a massive blow to the head from a metallic baseball bat.

 

Rei let out a short but potent scream as he sat up in bed with a start. His head ached, a slight, but noticeable, throbbing pain. He let out a long disapproving groan. He was fed up of these nightmares. They weren't as frequent as they had been, which made them hard to weather, as Rei would somewhat forget how nasty they were between two. He shuddered as he unexpectedly felt a hand touch his left shoulder.

“Shh, Rei-chan, it's me”, a soft, half-awake voice whispered. A body moved closer, sitting behind him, and two warm hands slipped under his pyjamas.

“I'm here, Rei-chan”, the voice continued, as two sets of fingertips began to delicately caress his back. They travelled up to his shoulders, along the back of his arms, then up again, and down, all the way either side of the spine, prompting a shiver of delight from Rei. The fingers stopped short of somewhere less decent to go off at right angles, around to the front, where they became hands again, pressing on Rei's abdomen as the heat from the body behind him closed in.

“I'm sorry, I woke you up again”, Rei moaned, turning his head to face the man he shared his bed with, whose cute half-open eyes and smile did little to remove any guilt. Rei felt in debt, so he started to return the tender gesture. As he heard a sigh and felt his partner shiver, those hands didn't leave his skin.

That touch was magical, gentle, soothing, symmetric, reassuring. Until that day he let Nagisa try this on him for the first time, he had no idea such light contact would have any effect on him. Back then, he longed to have a nightmare like the one he'd just had. If he failed to feel pain in his dreams, or couldn't sleep, he'd take it out on himself for real. The marks on his arms and legs were permanent reminders of those days, but it was soft caresses he preferred to feel on those parts of his body now. There, and all over in fact: Nagisa and Rei, having sensed the erotic tension in this new way to comfort each other, agreed give in to it and make their touching more arousing. Awkwardly at first, they learned quickly, and, over time, Nagisa had perfected the art of turning Rei on. In return, Rei had also memorised how to excite Nagisa, whose only spasms were the ones at the end, when he peaked. Those were usually powerful, followed by a period in which Nagisa succeeded in staying perfectly still. He was normally fidgety, always moving something, so, on top of the physical release, the immobility liberated him momentarily from his “perpetual motion”, as Rei called it. Even before that point though, his trembling disappeared. His movements were deliberate and precise. To please Rei, it had to be inch-perfect, yet he felt no stress, no fear of messing up. He was as excited to give as he was to receive.

While they couldn't show themselves more intimately to each other, not a single kiss was exchanged. The closest their mouths would get was when they rubbed their noses together, but they never made contact. They had tried it, of course, but Rei was uncomfortable with marks of affection. So Rei never used his mouth. It was his red line, and Nagisa respected that he didn't want to cross it. He sometimes felt he was being unfair. Did Nagisa think it was unfair? Rei felt a little guilty again at not wondering out loud whenever Nagisa pressed his lips against his chest, but knew he'd ruin the moment if he did. And he never thought to ask at another time. As usual, he went with it, until Nagisa went too low, at which point he'd move to bring Nagisa's attention back on himself.

 

Once Nagisa managed to move again after both had finished, he went away for a quick wash, and laid his head on Rei's torso when he slipped back in bed, one hand straying on his shoulder.

“It's a good thing we got that out of our system, Rei-chan”, he commented. “Tomorrow night, we're staying at Mako-chan's... No way we could _do it_ there.”

Of course there was no way they could _do it_ at Makoto's. There was no way they could _do_ _it_ in the kitchen, let alone outside their Tottori flat. _Doing it_ , and all talk related to _doing it_ , was strictly confined to the bedroom with the blinds down, and they had sworn each other to absolute secrecy. Not even their psychiatrists were allowed to know. There had to be no chance that they would be mistaken for boyfriends. _Doing it_ had a reason, and the reason wasn't love or affection. It was originally about curing Rei's twisted senses, turning him away from his addiction to pain. Surely, that goal had been attained by now. His nightmares may never go away, but at least he no longer felt gratified by them. The scars on his body, not as beautiful as he once thought, were there forever, but at least he didn't want to make more.

So what was this “get it out of our system” business? Could it be that Nagisa had an appetite for this habit of theirs? Had Nagisa become interested in _doing it_ with him, specifically? Was Nagisa in...? Rei froze that thought. He got distracted by one of Nagisa's subconscious twitches. It was time for Rei to push Nagisa off him. The trembling and the twitches weren't as bad as a few years prior, but they would still be enough to keep Rei awake if they stayed like they were. And Nagisa's spasms were unpredictable, which reminded him of the shock circles. Before tucking Nagisa in, he couldn't help but notice how beautiful his naked body was in the near darkness of the bedroom. He gave himself a slap on the forehead for thinking such a thing, as he did every time, but then he remembered to be more indulgent with himself. Yes, he was allowed to think that Nagisa was good-looking. It was part of the pleasurable stimulus. The thought also reminded him that having a proper relationship with Nagisa would make no sense.

As had often been the case of late, Rei was unable to get back to sleep. Not from fear of another nightmare, but pondering what to do with Nagisa. Going back to the previous train of thought, Rei's addiction to pain was gone, so perhaps he didn't need this special treatment anymore. It was a case of giving something back to someone who was doing him a great amount of good. Unless, like Nagisa suggested, there was also a desire for it “in his system”. The fact that he had just paused to feast his eyes on what he had touched moments ago might indicate that. If this was true, then things were going wrong. Rei had planned that, as they got better, they would open up, meet new people and get a life. While each had made new friends in Tottori, they were often waiting on each other at home in the evening. Rei knew he'd be less inclined to do that if Nagisa had found a fair, enthusiastic and playful girl he'd fall in love with – a girl that would be something like Nagisa used to be. Instead, the two were more dependent on each other than ever. Not just for the company, someone to talk to and run with, not just for the material and moral support, but also, so it seemed, for sex. This couldn't go on, and if love was in the equation, talking about scaling their intimate relationship back would be even harder.

Was Nagisa in love with Rei? “Oh please no”, Rei whimpered to himself.


	4. Sosuke, Gou & Shinichi

Sosuke still had music on a lot, but when he wrote letters to Shinichi, he listened to particular songs that reminded him of Rin. That way, he would say the things that he would have wanted to say to Rin, the way he'd have wanted to say them to Rin. Writing to Shinichi was like writing to Rin, that was the deal they had.

Sosuke, Rin and Gou were put in the Matsuokas' grandmother's care after the experiment, and, after Rin went, it was down to just the tall, once-again muscular man and the sweet, level-headed young woman. Sosuke couldn't live alone, so he chose to follow Gou to Tottori when she commenced her studies. While she concentrated on university full-time, he had gone from one job to another, lasting as long as he could. He had tried all sorts, from office work, which was too static, to manual labour, which would often involve the sudden loud noises he still hated. There seemed to be no reasonable in-between. But he was learning a lot by doing different things and meeting different people.

Most recently, he had worked on a fairground, helping to operate a Ferris wheel. It wasn't easy for him to walk there, past the shooting stalls and other noisy, flashy attractions, but the slow movement of the wheel was soothing to him, and the calm music and kindness of the customers, mostly lovey-dovey couples and families, made an ideal atmosphere. It was a pity he could only do that job for the short duration of the funfair. Still, it brought some pride to Sosuke that he could make a little money of his own, be useful to Gou, and not have his home depend only on the payments the lab had made to compensate for the damages they'd caused.

He wrote all about it to Shinichi. He wouldn't normally bug Rin with long dissertations on how he was doing, because he always used to feel that Rin had enough on his plate, but Shinichi had insisted that Sosuke shouldn't hesitate to write more about himself.

Gou came in and wrapped her arms around Sosuke. She should have known better than to surprise him though, and the man trembled, nearly messing up Shinichi's kanji, which translated as 'the new one', on the envelope. But the perfume he smelled when breathing in told him he had nothing to fear.

“Sorry. Are you managing?”, Gou asked.

“Yes, I've finished”, he sighed, holding up two sheets of paper full of writing. “Want to read it?”

“No, I won't put my nose in your business. Oh, but you did mention about us, right?”

“Of course”, Sosuke said, turning to give Gou a quick kiss.

The relationship between the two was at a crossroads, thus this letter was important to Sosuke, as he had to tell Shinichi about it, in the same mood as if he was telling Rin. It was stressful, Sosuke had to choose his words very carefully. A small stack of draughts sat on the left-hand side of the desk, and he had re-read the second sheet of the letter four times before deciding to send it.

“I hope he'll understand”, Gou said, nervously.

“Well, we don't control that. But hey, if he doesn't trust me, who will he trust?”, Sosuke concluded, failing to conceal a little uncertainty in his voice, as he sealed the envelope.

***

The dark-haired and short-bearded man toiled over his vegetable patch while the postman, well into his forties, cycled up. “Good morning, Shinichi-san!”, he called.

“Ah, long time, no see, Mamoru-san!”, the gardener replied. “You look well, how's everyone?”

“The women are fine. The little one would really like to see you again, she says you're fun.”

“Yeah, I know, but I keep myself busy here and I get tired. I do think of you though, and pray for your well-being regularly.”

“I appreciate it”, the postman answered. “I'd pray for you too, if I knew what for. I mean, you're young, strong, friendly...”

“Pray that I keep looking forward, Mamoru-san, that will be fine”, Shinichi answered softly. “Still, finally some post for me, huh?”

“Yes, and if I'm not mistaken, it's that pen-friend of yours from the other side of the country!”

The tall man took the envelope he was handed and looked at it. He recognised the writing, and the Tottori post office stamp. The red eyes behind the coloured black fringe lit up, and Shinichi's grin revealed pointy teeth.

“Yes, it's him”, he smiled. He couldn't wait to read it. He thanked Mamoru-san and said politely that he'd try to find it in him to free himself up for an evening and go to the tavern. He then left his trowel on the spot and told his patron that he was taking a break to have tea.

“No problem”, was the reply from the older man who was providing Shinichi with lodging in exchange for as much help on the farm as the young man could manage. And Shinichi did a lot for him, he was impressed. So much, that he believed he had found a successor to keep his farm running when his time to stop would come. Actually, at first, he was scared, as Shinichi would tend to overwork. He'd be up and about from morning prayer to evening prayer, sometimes skipping lunch. Time did its job though, and eventually the junior learned that he wouldn't be punished if he asked for a break. On this occasion, having overheard the conversation with the postman, he knew that Shinichi wanted to read that letter. Getting news from his pen-friend made him so happy, he thought it would be cruel to make him wait!

Shinichi wished the water would boil faster. When the tea had finally infused, he cut open the envelope with a knife, picked up his mug of tea and started reading the letter. He smiled as he imagined Sosuke working on a fairground, calling “tickets, please!”. He got to a more emotional part, in which he learned that Aiichiro had become very much isolated. His correspondent was asking him to find time to write him a letter too. “Going through me won't do, he needs your encouragement directly”, the paragraph said. Shinichi felt powerless to make a difference. He just wasn't Rin anymore. He hadn't told anyone apart from Sosuke and Gou what he was up to, and he wondered if reappearing as someone else wouldn't be more disturbing than reassuring for Ai. It gave him food for thought for his reply.

Then he reached the last third of the paper, and he froze. He stared at the second sheet of paper in disbelief. His eyes became wider as the words went on and, at the pivotal point of the paragraph, he dropped his mug, which fell without breaking on the wooden floor, but still spilling the tea. He hadn't felt this conflicted in a long time, and couldn't hold back a scream.

“SOOOOOSUKEEEEEEE!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yes, it does say “Major Character Death” at the top, but don't worry (yet, if anyone even was): Rin's alive!


	5. Paul & Hayate

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Part two of the three-day updates! Redmangos asked for elements on the experimenters and bullies, and here they are. Paul's account in chapter 29 is what the rather technical first half of this is based on, although differences in the timescale appear compared to the “happy” End 1 of AMR. Hayate was Rin's torturer, and a brief backstory was mentioned by RM in a comment; basically a lot of the men who were torturers during AMR were people who were rather desperate for money at the time. Let's see how they're getting on, shall we?

The board meeting had been tense. Paul's covert, skunkworks project was losing support, and the directors were getting anxious that it would be uncovered, with lawsuits sure to follow. The news from the field wasn't deemed encouraging, so the plan had to be accelerated in order to minimise the risk. The board narrowly approved a three-month extension. Paul had to swiftly adapt his strategy. Before he could settle down and work it out, he vented, frustrated, growling sarcasms to himself in his office.

“ _Where_ _new_ _important discoveries_ _come_ _every year_... For how much longer?”

He was certain that some results could be achieved on a shorter timescale, just not everything he hoped for. He was most furious at the deadline. There was no such thing as a deadline in research, and there certainly wasn't an end-of-project date a decade earlier, when scientists around the world urgently needed to understand the Insanity Virus, albeit the lab that found a cure first was sure to receive tons of praise.

How long had it taken to comprehend the illness? Easily over three years. Maybe closer to five. How long to put up the first experimental protocol for a cure? The best part of half a year. After six months of controversial attempts, it was decided the proposal wasn't efficient. Then came the suggestion that the traumatic crescendo should be more gradual. This meant that the cure had to be more elaborate, more tailor-made to each patient. It would have been monumentally impractical as a treatment, if it hadn't been for the progress in recording brain activity that had occurred parallel to the research on the deadly disease. Decades of it had led to the chips that could be used to record and restitute specific sensations. This technology could be used to reproduce painful experiences in a controlled environment, with the patient in an artificial coma, and a broad enough spectrum of tortures physically performed on a small number of pioneering subjects would be enough to make suitable combinations for anyone. From a theoretical point of view, Toe Labs was on the brink of success, but it was another year before the principle of a new experiment was ready. Then they needed to find test subjects, and find out how to bring a devastating depression on them in a short period of time. This meant observing them beforehand. So the illness needed to be detected at an early stage, which, thankfully, a team in Canada had found how to. Toe Labs managed to convince some faculty members to resign from their university, who wouldn't condone the upcoming experiment, and join them.

Once the test subjects had been located and approval obtained from their parents, two months of observation and devising the “white rooms” took place, followed by the three months of the actual Adolescent Mental Resistance project. The outcome was exceptional for Toe Labs, they had a cure for Insanity Virus, but they couldn't crow about their solution publicly. Even in scientific circles, they had to keep a low profile. It was a divisive procedure, sparking passionate debates on ethics that still raged on, as no other team had uncovered a lighter or more humane method to beat the microscopic foe.

Paul had been convinced that he was saving the world in the AMR project, so it pained him immensely that several journals systematically refused to publish any science that had come out of the experiment, and it wasn't just the results about the Insanity Virus itself that were rejected, but also the ones about the side-effects and side-quests the situation presented. The all-round praise, acclaim and acknowledgement wasn't there. So Paul had bitterly sworn to himself that he would work to reach a revolutionary result that would be universally recognised as a major progress. Despite growing internal opposition and having to deliver fast, he still believed _this_ would be the project that would redeem him in the eyes of his peers. 

***

Hayate's face betrayed a mix of genuinely welcoming surprise and mild shock as he opened the door.

“P... _Paul_?!”, he stuttered. “My word! You look... different.” Hayate had seen Paul's body degrade over the course of the AMR project, because of the many sleepless nights, because of the disturbing things he had seen on the screens, because of the distressing cries for help he had heard for weeks on end. The pain the boys and girls were receiving were the result of his plans, his orders, and the heartless part he had to play over the speaker system had run him down. Hayate conceded that Paul looked better now than back then, but he still had a skinny face, he'd gained quite a few wrinkles, and his hair had become so much greyer due to the stress. Paul consciously blew out a puff of smoke away from Hayate's face, before dropping his cigarette to the ground, putting it out with the heel of his shoe, picking up the stub and wrapping it in a paper tissue he'd dispose of inside. Hayate didn't remember Paul smoking during AMR. In the sanitised environment of the lab, he couldn't anyway, but he had never taken breaks to smoke, so Hayate assumed he had started since then.

“Hayate-san”, Paul said softly, “you look well.” That voice was different too. While it was once firm and confident, it had become more raspy and downbeat. “I'm working in Japan for a while, I thought I'd pop by, if you don't mind.”

“Of course not!”, Hayate answered. “It's very kind of you, come in! I'll make some tea for us. Shinya! Visitor!”

Shinya, Hayate's partner, was a fine-looking man of the same age. Paul politely asked him if the couple owned the house, which he answered they did. Shinya had a nice job in the insurance sector. On top of what the lab was paying Hayate, the pair were doing very well indeed. Paul was glad: with no more money worries and a stable relationship, it seemed that Hayate had managed to get his life back. It was more than he could say. His wife left him over five years prior, as he became engrossed with the preparation of the grand experiment, and since then, his job was his life.

“Wow, Paul, it's impressive to see you here”, Hayate commented as he brought in the tea. “The last I heard of you was, what, four years ago? When you got that promotion...”

“Yeah, I'm sorry I didn't keep in touch”, Paul apologised, “I've been so busy.”

“Well, people with more power tend to be”, Shinya observed.

“So, what mission brings an important person such as you all the way to Japan?”, Hayate asked.

“Oh, a sort of after-sale service”, Paul replied, unsure whether he should develop.

“For the Insanity treatment?”, Hayate enquired. Paul knew that his former subordinate's worst memories of the AMR project, such as those of taking advantage of a weeping, ruined and beaten-up eighteen-year-old boy in front of his sister, were erased. However, he had kept some, so that he at least knew what he'd taken part in. Paul didn't know if he was going to stir up some unwanted images of him slapping an exhausted test subject, so he proceeded with caution.

“Yes, exactly”, he said. “I'm here to check on the boys, the ones in your group.” While Shinya proudly remarked that “these are the ones you worked on to cure that disease, right?”, Hayate nodded before sitting down.

“Ah, so you'll be talking to the doctors who have been following them”, he stated.

“Not only that, I'd like to see them in person, and talk to some of them”, Paul replied. Hayate's eyebrows lifted up in surprise, while the researcher continued. “Your patient is living isolated from the others though, on the other side of the country, so I doubt I'll have the time to see him.” Hayate shook his head. However little he had heard of the plan, he didn't like it.

“And you think they'll react well to seeing you?”, he questioned. Sensing the building awkwardness, Shinya left the room, which gave Hayate a little more confidence to speak. “I know you only showed them your face once”, he continued, “but your voice... They lived with it for months, and it's associated with all the horrible things you did to them. It will be clearly marked in their minds.”

“It's been five years, Hayate...”

“It doesn't matter how long it's been, Paul”, Hayate interrupted. “Your voice will take them back. You won't help them by exposing them to it.”

“It's not about helping them”, Paul clumsily tried to justify. “I mean, it's not about helping _them specifically_ , aiding their recovery, it's about... understanding the process. And that feedback will help improve our post-treatment prescriptions. They will help humanity _a_ _second time_!”

“There you go again, with your 'humanity' trick!”, Hayate protested. “Our cure for the Insanity Virus is so heavy to implement that it's not often used. Insurance companies won't back it because of the long-term effects. I know, Shinya knows. So only those who can afford it, and who accept the risk, go for it. It's only helping a select few, I'm afraid.” Paul rubbed his eyes. He was sick of the criticism.

“It'll get there”, he muttered tensely. “I know we've got to get over the bad press, but the team's working on making it more manageable. And to do that, who better to talk to than our own test subjects? And these boys are especially interesting because... Now, keep this to yourself... One of them had to do the treatment again.” Hayate's eyes opened wider and wider as Paul continued. “Not physically, but the controlled treatment that we devised from their experiences, and it had some fascinating effects on the others! Your boy's reaction was absolutely remarkable, and one I'd love to understand. I must get results on the others first to get extra time to see him.”

Hayate looked on in disbelief as Paul's voice became more self-assured and enthusiastic about his study subject as he went along. He was downright scared at how Paul seemed determined to get to the boys again, and petrified as he gave a glimpse of his plan.

“Don't worry, I'm not going in blind. I know which one I'll grab hold of first.”

“Don't do it”, Hayate thought. But he knew resistance was futile at this stage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh oh, Paul's after the boys again... Surely this can only mean trouble, right?


	6. Iwatobi Get-Together

Makoto spent a quarter of an hour adjusting the dinner table set-up. It bothered him that Haru's glass was smaller than the others, and he didn't have enough small glasses to go around. There were, however, enough tall glasses.

“Haru?”, he shouted. “Do you mind having a tall glass? I promise I won't fill it up.” His father came in, and sensed that his son was about to lose his cool over how things were positioned.

“Makoto, my boy, it doesn't matter”, he said.

“It does, Papa”, Makoto answered back. “It has to be orderly, or Rei will get mad at me.”

“You wouldn't have to worry about him getting mad at you if you didn't take the responsibility of checking everything!” Makoto's father was irritated at his son's restlessness. “For goodness sake, just relax and let us do the work!”

“I... I just want to make sure everyone's happy”, Makoto whimpered back. Just as he thought that putting Haru at the head of the table instead of himself could be a solution, the doorbell rang. His father was pushing him into the hallway. He would gladly see his friends again, but right now he was a little panicked inside. His time had run out! The table wouldn't be perfect!

His father expected him to answer the door, so he did that almost on instinct. It was the immediate task he just couldn't escape.

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MAKO-TO/CHAN!”, Rei and Nagisa shouted when they saw their host. It was fresh outside, so Makoto quickly invited the pair in, and offered to put away their coats. His father took the burden off him by ordering him to hand over the coats, and Makoto led the two guests into the living room. There, the TV was on, and Ren and Ran just had time to salute Rei and Nagisa by the time the commercial break ended.

“We now return to your comedy programme, _Awesome Machine Rabbit_!”, went the proud announcement. The name made Nagisa flinch. He wanted to ask to change the channel, but Makoto's mother, wearing an apron, entered the room and distracted him from it.

“Rei-kun, Nagisa-kun!”, she warmly greeted. “My, Rei-kun, you've shaved since we last saw you!” Rei brought one hand up to his glasses, his thumb feeling his cheek.

“Haha, yes I have”, he answered shyly. “Not everyone liked the beard”, he added, trying to stop his eyes from straying towards Nagisa. He noticed something on one of the walls and seized the opportunity to change the subject. “Is that Haruka's latest?”

“Yes!”, Makoto's mother replied. “It's one of his best, I think.” They walked up to a painting. Of course, it was very blue. A spiral curve of what looked like bubbles originated in the bottom-left corner, where the background was the darkest, and went upwards, with the bubbles progressively getting a little bigger.

Rei was bothered by the fact that the curve was situated in the left half, leaving the right-hand side rather empty. It felt like a badly-centred photo. When it came to art, Rei had become even harder to please then before, as even small faults could remind him of that monstrosity that hung in his cell during the experiment. He struggled to find something nice to say about it, and wished he hadn't started this conversation. Nagisa was also perplexed.

“What's it called?”, he asked. Just then, Haru entered the room, also wearing an apron, and gave a typical Haru answer: “you can call it whatever you want, I don't mind.”

“Ah, Haru-chan!”, Nagisa chirped, walking up to hug him. “Well, I think I'd call it... 'the Call of the Deep'! Is that in line with what you were thinking, Haru-chan?”

“If that's what you see in it...”, Haru replied, calmly.

“I think I see someone drowning in the bottom-left corner”, Rei muttered. Nagisa heard it.

“Aw, Haru-chan, Rei-chan's getting the wrong ideas!”, he commented. “Hey, could you do something more light-hearted? Think of pleasure when you paint, and the viewers are sure to feel it too! Maybe I can help and give you ideas...”

The allusions in that last sentence made Rei's head explode. He only just held himself back from yelling out “you're not rubbing _his_ back too!”, as he noticed that he nearly dropped the package he was holding. Making a few loud, unintelligible sounds that indicated he urgently wanted that talk to stop, he turned and handed the gift-wrapped box out, managing to put together “Makoto-senpai, your present” once his thoughts had been collected.

“Ah, thank you both”, Makoto replied, “I thought you'd wait for later, you know, after the meal...” The last sentence came over as a bit vague, but Makoto knew what he meant. He awkwardly accepted, thinking that it could be taken back later if they were unhappy with the food (that he hadn't made). His mother invited everyone to the dining room, as Haru's appearance in the living room signalled that the table was set.

In the middle of the table was a mountain of sushi of different shapes, sizes and contents. Makoto's mother had made the ones with fish inside, while Haru had concocted some atypical vegetarian variants. Makoto watched for judgement in his friends' reaction.

“Wow, that's a lot”, Rei remarked. Makoto reasoned that his surprise at the amount might have taken his attention away from the lack of uniformity in the glass sizes. To him, that aspect was glaring, but only because he knew it was there.

“There are so many different ones!”, Nagisa remarked, bending forward to get a closer look at the pile of rice delicacies. “They look great!”, he added, turning to wink at Haru. Makoto saw his eyes lit up and his smile spread from ear to ear. Nagisa was easier to please, he thought, but still, the joy he could see was heartwarming.

“I'm sitting closest to the wasabi!”, Nagisa shouted as he walked around the table. Eating strong, tasty food was one of the things he liked the most, and Haru had prepared some maki with that in mind, so he suggested he sit next to him, to recommend the spicier ones.

 

After the main course, Haru and Makoto's parents went to the kitchen again to get the desserts out. Nagisa was looking forward to those. Rei was glad to see how big his appetite was that day, although he did remark that he had eaten quite a lot. At that point, he overheard the conversation in the kitchen.

“We'll manage, Makoto, go back to the table!”, someone said, with a distinct tone of exasperation in their voice. And Makoto reappeared in the dining room, and sat back next to Rei, who felt the urge to talk about Makoto's state, as there were so few opportunities to do so face-to-face.

“It's still difficult for you, huh?”, he asked casually. Nagisa frowned at him. Did he have to? On Makoto's birthday?! But Makoto just shrugged his shoulders and answered very simply.

“I still don't know how to recognise a situation where I'm not needed”, he said. “It's a lack of judgement, my psychiatrist says. Like a child, I need to be told when enough is enough. But even if it makes them angry, I always want to be there for them. I'd hate myself if anything happened and I could have helped.”

Rei had brought one hand to his glasses in thought. After a few moments, he raised his head sharply. He had an idea.

“You know, you could do with some time away from here”, he announced. Nagisa sat with a hand on his forehead, elbow on the table, legs wiggling beneath it. Rei continued: “come and visit us in Tottori, have a night out! Nagisa-kun and I can put you up, right, Nagisa-kun?” Nagisa just nodded silently.

“I don't know, Rei”, Makoto replied. “Like I said, I want to be here in case... And what about Haru?”

“Haru will be fine, he can spend the evening painting in peace! It would be just one night, nothing's going to happen!”, Rei beamed, confidently, patting Makoto on the back. “Please accept, Makoto. I'm sure we can find something to do to give your mind a break from all your worrying. Hey, we can invite the others! You could meet some of our friends, different people! And it's a chance to see Sosuke, Gou, Momotaro, Seijuro... maybe even Nitori, could you ask him, Nagisa-kun?” Nagisa took his head out of his hand and shook it.

“No way he'll come”, he said, quietly. He didn't like this conversation. “You know Ai-chan is scared of crowds. He's worried he'll see a lab man in there.” It was Rei's turn to frown.

“You don't believe that, do you?”, he asked. Nagisa sat back, pouted and answered half-heartedly.

“I've never seen anything unusual around him, but you know he's been a nervous wreck since Rin-chan left us. I don't want to force him if he's not comfortable.” There was a little subtext in that last sentence; Nagisa hoped to convince Rei to be less forceful on Makoto. He wasn't pinning much hope on that however, and got up to visit the kitchen. The sight of the desserts would possibly bring his mood back up.

“Man, those psilocybin cocktails sure did some damage”, Rei remarked. Nagisa paused. Although he didn't want to say any more, the level of detail in Rei's passing comment caught his attention. Rei had used a word he'd never heard before, and Rei and Ai hardly ever talked.

“What? Is that the drug he had? How do you know?”, Nagisa quizzed. Rei realised he had slipped up. He managed to swiftly dismiss his flat-mate by spluttering “he told me, a long time ago.” Nagisa accepted the excuse and walked off the kitchen. He didn't want to think about it further anyway.

Once Nagisa was out of the room, Makoto seized the chance to, in turn, quickly press Rei on something.

“You read about that in a research paper, didn't you?”, he asked. Rei nodded. “Nagisa doesn't know, does he?”

Rei needed answers to justify what he had been through, but he was the only one. He had tried to mention a few side-results to Sosuke, Gou and Makoto, and each time he was met with indifference. He had found that he could talk to Seijuro, but he had to take care, because he knew that Momotaro wasn't very stable. But Rei's attitude was in direct opposition to Nagisa's. The latter didn't want to hear anything about the experiment, he hadn't forgiven his parents, and he couldn't talk about others' handicaps for long either. He wanted to live an enjoyable life in the present, and wanted to help everyone around him to do so aswell.

“He'd hate me for it”, Rei whispered, shaking his head. And that's all there was time for, as the lights went out, and Makoto's family, with Haru and Nagisa accompanying, came carrying the cake, and singing 'Happy Birthday to You'.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A few days ago, it was Makoto's birthday. I swear I didn't calculate my change of publishing plan to fit this! (if I had, I would have published this on the 17th) This was some fluff before the storm; the action is about to begin! Don't hesitate to leave comments if you like/don't like the way things are going...


	7. A Disturbing Encounter

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some more technicalities here, but if you can read into them, you'll get clues as to what happened to Makoto in his second treatment. But don't worry: there will be clearer revelations later in the fic!

Although he was friendly with some of his fellow students, Rei spent most of his lunchtimes alone at the cafeteria, reading his lecture notes or a textbook. That day, however, he would not be alone.

His phone rang moments after he had started his bento. It was Makoto.

“Hey, Rei”, he said gingerly, “I've been thinking about your suggestion. You know, to have an evening out. I've talked to my parents and to Haru about it, and they think I should... So I'm thinking the weekend after next... There's just one thing.” From there, the voice got more anxious. Rei had kindly proposed that Makoto stay over, but the latter was about to decline. He hoped there would be no consequences. “As I saw you last weekend, I thought maybe I could spend some time with some others... Maybe stay at Gou and Sosuke's... and catch up again on the next day for a walk for example... if that's fine.”

“Oh, ok”, Rei answered. The tone was neutral, mostly because he had just swallowed a mouthful of rice.

“Are... Please, are you _really_ ok with that, Rei?”, Makoto wondered nervously. Rei suddenly understood that Makoto was worried about refusing his offer, and changed his voice to something more jolly and reassuring. After all, he was still happy that Makoto was going to take time for himself.

“Yesyes, Makoto! No problem! It's great that you'll see them! Nagisa-kun and I will make sure we're available for the evening, and yeah, it'll be cool for you to stay with Gou-kun and Sosuke-kun, go for it!”

During the conversation, a Western-looking man wearing a business suit had sat at the table. Rei looked in his direction and acknowledged his presence, only for him to respond “take your time, Rei-san, I don't want to interrupt your call.”

Rei froze. That voice, that tone, that accent...

“Rei, are you still there?”

“I'm sorry, Makoto, I have to go, I'll call you later.”

 

Rei hung up and stared at the person opposite him.

“Are you who I think you are?”, he asked.

“I understand if you're not hugely happy to see me”, was the reply. It was as good as a confirmation.

“What in the name of sanity do you think you're doing here?”, Rei demanded.

“I'm here to talk to a professor, a collaborator of mine. I had to wait in the hall at one point, and found myself reading the student listings to practice my Kanji. I saw your name. See, I remembered it.”

“Paul...”, Rei growled, as he recalled the fearsome name. The man nodded.

“Luckily, there aren't too many blue-haired people in this faculty. So, how have you been?” Rei clenched his fists. His former torturer had the cheek to ask him “how he'd been” so casually!

“Yeah, like I said, I understand if I'm not welcome”, Paul continued in a suave yet purposeful voice. “I'm not going to hurt you. I'm just taking the surprise chance that's presenting itself to catch up. You're here, so I'm guessing you've been recovering well. What is it you're studying?”, Paul asked. Rei was puzzled. If Paul had read student listings, surely he had read the header to identify the major. Then again, he was probably being polite. Rei obliged, and answered quietly: “psychology.”

“Nice. You know, I'm a doctor of neurology originally, but AMR made me work on all sorts of other domains, and there have been a lot of results in many fields of science to come out of that project.” Rei hesitated to respond. But this was a possibly unique chance for him to get some information on how the trial was run. The objective of the experiment, however horrific it had been for him and his friends, was scientific, so those people who ran the project couldn't be all bad.

“I do know”, he admitted. “I've seen some of them.” Paul's grin made Rei uncertain that he had made the right call to confess.

“It's nice to meet someone who appreciates the work at its real value”, the senior doctor smiled. Despite the intimidating importance of the person in front of him, Rei couldn't hold back his defiance.

“I wouldn't say I _appreciate_ it”, he replied. “In fact, I'm still baffled by the fact you got authorisations to do your crazy experiment in the first place.”

“We told you, your parents signed you on”, Paul answered brashly. Rei needed to clarify.

“I'm talking about _judicial_ authorisations. I mean, that experiment was torture!”

“Oh, that aspect”, Paul realised. “We obtained Human Rights Exceptions from governments. They took some time to get, we had to make the case that the only way to beat the virus was to... substantially mistreat sufferers. It's that or a downhill spiral until death anyway. Believe me, I've seen people in the terminal stages of this illness, it's even more distressing than what you endured. Yes, we were doing you harm, but under controlled conditions. I won't go into what awaited you if we did nothing.”

“We'd be sane”, Rei mumbled sarcastically. Paul did not approve.

“Don't be unpleasant, Rei-san.”

“I think I can afford to be unpleasant”, Rei stated. “It's not like you could beat me up in a public place. I just mean we wouldn't be living with these memories.”

“You wouldn't be living at all. And neither would any of your friends. We saved your lives, remember.” Rei felt a little bad for criticising so sharply. There was still something unsettling him though.

“Sorry, of course we're grateful for that”, he acknowledged. “It doesn't take away the fact that some of the side-results are completely unrelated to curing the virus.”

This was where Paul had to be convincing. He knew the scientific community was divided over the AMR project, and if he could get Rei, a survivor, on his side, it would be a considerable endorsement.

“But by themselves, they are _interesting_ , aren't they, Rei-san?”, he asked.

“Some are, some aren't”, Rei replied, bringing his hand to his glasses in his trademark confident thought pose which irritated some of his classmates. “The one about the drug that keeps muscles from deteriorating is nice, but the behavioural studies are surely biased by the goal of curing the virus, which involves acting on a patient's psyche. I can't believe you view the experiment on abuse reproduction patterns as serious, given the constraint people were under, not to mention that the constraints were different from one person to the next.”

“Read that one again, you'll see that comparisons are relevant”, Paul defended. “For example, we subjected both Rin and Makoto to that test, with _very_ different results.” Rei pinched the ridge of his nose under his glasses and shook his head.

“I know”, he sighed. His emotions were starting to take over his reasoning. “I feel that it's been so unfair for Makoto. From the moment he told me he wanted to become a swimming coach, I could imagine him round about now, with a super job, and probably a wife and children. He would have made a fantastic family man. That's gone.”

“No, it isn't”, Paul interrupted. “On the contrary, he's got all that to look forward to. You all have. You can all look forward to a wife and kids... unless you're _all_ gay, of course.” That last bit was muttered, but it made Rei tilt his head. Paul continued. “Anyway, it's an uneven process, so each in their time. That's why Toe Labs insisted that you all stick together to support each other.”

“Yeah, well that was a miss too”, Rei replied swiftly and dejectedly. Inside, Paul was content – Rei was reacting how he had hoped. “Rin left the area during Makoto's second treatment. He was holding back so much about what happened to him, it would have done him good to talk to someone with a similar experience, but no... He left instead.”

“Isn't that something you'd like to understand, Rei-san?” The blue-haired man raised his head. “You're studying the human mind to make sense of all this.”

Bingo. Rei's motives were surely blatant to any stranger who knew what he'd been through. Nagisa probably knew them, and tolerated it as long as he didn't hear about whatever conclusions Rei could come to about their experience.

“Sometimes I wonder if it's a good idea”, Rei said hesitantly. “Because no-one else seems to want to know...”

“But you're not like them, Rei-san.” Paul once again put on that determined manner of his. “You're different. You spent the whole experiment trying to reason us and asking questions. That is what you do, that is who you are. You're a researcher at heart, and you'll become a fine scientist if you persevere. A scientist I hope I'll have the privilege of working with some day. We could achieve a lot together. We could get those answers you so dearly want.”

Rei was petrified. He had no idea what to say. It was disturbing that the man who had once ordered him to be tossed across a room with shock circles everywhere now seemed to be offering him a job. The words he had just heard were kind enough _per se_ , but the way they had been spoken came over as creepy.

Paul checked his watch. Even if he didn't really have an appointment, he intended to leave Rei to think about what he'd told him.

“Well, I've got to get back to see Professor Hirakawa-san.” He got up, and wished Rei success in his studies before exiting the cafeteria.

The encounter was finished, and it was so surreal that Rei was wondering if it had actually happened. He didn't know what to think. The fact that Paul claimed that he was meeting one of his teachers was the lesser of his worries. He was absolutely spooked out. Everything Paul had said had hit home, as if he knew more than he should. Worse, Rei was certain that he couldn't talk about this unexpected and troubling meeting to anyone, and that no-one would forgive him if he followed through with Paul's suggestion that they could collaborate in the future. And no-one would turn his back on him more firmly and definitively than Nagisa.


	8. State of Emergency

Momo trusted his bedroom more than any other place in the building: it was the only room where he had complete control of what was in it, as the rest of the apartment was shared with his brother. Seijuro had never caught the Insanity Virus, thus he had pursued his dream of becoming a professional athlete, despite the sometimes unlikeable atmosphere around sport venues due to the strict health and security measures in place. He felt over-protected, but at least he was competing. Other promising talents that were budding half a decade earlier, like Haru, Rin or Momotaro himself, hadn't been so lucky. Surely others had been wiped out altogether, with no access to a treatment, although the treatment Momo had received had left him with a host of new problems. It was hard to make the most out of merely being alive when the mental effects of the cure constantly weighed on him in the form of paranoia. However, his main fear – that the lab would want to squeeze more suffering out of its AMR test subjects, and maybe really use them to revolutionise some gruesome branch of surgery – seemed founded. He was growing certain that something would happen very soon.

It wasn't just the sightings that made him suspicious that a close eye was being kept on him for future reference. There were also Rei's visits. They hadn't been infrequent since he had started college, and every time he passed by, it was to talk only to Seijuro. So Momo set up a discreet walkie-talkie system between the lounge and his bedroom, with the emitter camouflaged in a stuffed animal – a raccoon – placed next to a pot plant; and he had insisted that this was _his_ plant to look after.

He thus heard Rei and Seijuro discussing the results of the AMR project, such as progress in anaesthesia (which he may or may not have contributed to, he wasn't sure), the understanding of sleep patterns (which he linked to Sosuke), or muscular reinforcement, which Rei had explicitly said Nagisa had been a part of.

Every time, the cruelty of the experimenters wasn't mentioned, and the importance of the results was stressed. The positive spin Rei put on the whole thing disgusted Momotaro. It was all made out to sound as if it had been a regular medical trial, when it had just been plain torture in his eyes.

 

That evening, Momo sat in his room, phoning Ai to talk about a special visitor. Seijuro had told him that it was a “professional meeting, not to be disturbed”. He would have preferred that his younger brother go out, but Momo worried about being outside by himself. Even if he had the desire to stop a “lab coat”, he couldn't do it alone. Like Ai, he feared he'd be overpowered and taken away. So he had stayed home, and couldn't resist eavesdropping on the conversation in the living room below. He was shocked to find out that the “professional meeting” was a lie.

“Hello, Nitori-kun?”

“Momo-kun, why are you talking so low?”

“I have to be quiet, even if I'm in my room, I can't take a chance _nii-chan_ will hear me.”

“Geez, Momo-kun”, Ai began to protest, only to be cut off by Momotaro's urgent message.

“This is it, Nitori-kun! The next phase is beginning. The wait is over, we're in for it!” The voice on the other end of the line was clearly unimpressed. At the same time, Ai could tell Momo's voice was unusually agitated.

“What are you talking about?”, he asked.

“ _Paul. Is. Here!_ ”, Momo replied, insistently articulating each word in his low voice.

“Who?”

“PAUL! The guy who was giving the orders during the experiment! He's in Japan, and he came to talk to my brother!” Ai didn't believe it, but Momo continued regardless. “He came around to supposedly 'check up on me', ask how I was doing, but he insisted on me not knowing about it... He's preparing to take me back, I have no doubt!”

“Well, we did have that disease”, Ai remarked. “What if he is only here to enquire about your well-being?”

“Why ask my brother and not my doctor?”, Momo quickly dismissed. “And why does he have to know in the first place? It's not his business! I'm telling you, that guy has a plan. He's always had a plan, Nitori-kun. And you'll never guess who's part of the plan...”

“Whoawhoa”, Ai interrupted, in an attempt to slow the conversation down. “First, are you absolutely sure it was Paul?”

“100% certain”, Momo claimed, starting to tire over Ai's constant doubts. “I'd recognise that voice among a million, and you would too! I'll send you a soundbyte by email later, you'll hear him yourself. I've just got to chose the best bit to send... Probably the one where he mentions Ryugazaki...”

“Ryugazaki-kun?!”

“Yes! That's what I wanted to tell you next: he's already met Ryugazaki! The first thing Paul does when he gets to Japan is talk to Ryugazaki! That's crazy, huh? It's all coming together now, Paul and Rei are planning our capture again.”

Of all the conspiracy theories, Aiichiro most refused to believe the one that linked Rei to the experiment.

“Momo-kun, Rei-kun was a subject in the experiment too, he can't possibly be a member of the lab!”, he tried to reason. But Momotaro was already convinced of the contrary.

“Nitori-kun, Ryugazaki has visited my brother dozens of times to talk about the experiment, I can send you excerpts of those too. You'll see, he knows so much about it! And as for being a subject, yeah, either he had the virus and wanted to save his smart ass, or it's like in one of the films I was shown: one of the people being tortured turned out to be an accomplice.”

The second alternative made little sense to Ai. No-one would put themselves through something like what they'd been through willingly. But Momo seemed to know more about Rei's interests than he did.

“So... What do we do?”, he asked, worry starting to creep into his voice.

“Well, obviously, stand by your guns, and be ready for anything!”, Momo answered.

He started listing a few ideas of how to confront different configurations, while Ai pondered silently, ignoring a large part of what his correspondent was saying. He was in two minds, as ever when it came to Momo's plans. He had no reason to believe that Momo wasn't telling the truth, or at least that he wasn't honest about his fears and reasoning. The lab men he had initially doubted about were real after all; both of them had seen them enough to establish that. If a second capture was on the horizon, Aiichiro wanted to go down defending himself, and to inflict more damage on those who would assault him, he'd prefer not to be alone, but if Momotaro was going on the attack, he didn't want to be involved and keep clear, safe and alive for as long as possible. This was a tricky situation, and he had no-one to share these thoughts with...

Except Nagisa. He trusted Nagisa, but he gasped as pieces suddenly fit into place in his mind: Nagisa was living with Rei, and Rei was talking with Paul.

“Nagisa-kun...”, Ai let slip, just after Momo had paused and asked if he was still following.

“Nagisa?!”, Momo confusedly spluttered. “What does Nagisa have to do with- _ **oh**_...” The penny dropped on his end of the line too. He became extremely serious, knowing that Rei's flatmate had become Nitori's closest friend since he decided to live alone. But he had no choice but to state things clearly.

“There are only two possibilities: either Nagisa is in even worse danger than we are, or he's a grave threat _to us_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The events of this chapter take place a couple of days after Rei's encounter with Paul. Rei has not yet invited Seijuro and Momotaro to the evening out with Makoto, but one can imagine that will cause a stir in Momo's mind too...


	9. The night out

Nagisa entered the study, and looked around carefully. Rei's space was like another world to him: books, a good half-hundred of them, some with obvious titles, while others, Rei's extra readings, were more obscure; three or four lots of pens, and mountains of folders and paper on the desk. The room was “so Rei-chan”, Nagisa thought. It was tidy, everything purposefully in place, but there was so much knowledge that the blond boy struggled to situate what he was looking for. Because he hadn't put his shoes on yet, Rei had asked him to pick up a library book he needed to take back, after which the two would hang out in town while waiting for Makoto, Gou and Sosuke for a meal.

Nagisa shuffled a stack on the desk to see if the book was somewhere in the pile. Certain it wasn't there, he delicately rotated the elements of the small tower to make sure everything was aligned. Inside, he was slightly mocking his flat-mate's obsession for detail. A second pile was on the other side of the desk, virtually the same height – the workspace had to be symmetrical, of course. He began to look through that, when a grey cardboard sleeve that was considerably more bloated and more used than others, caught his attention. Written discreetly in the top-right corner was “ _tsumasaki_ ”, Japanese for “toe”. Nagisa was curious. On top of the conspicuous aspect of the folder, feet seemed an unusual topic for a psychology student.

Inside the sleeve, he found a litany of printed articles, each stapled together in the top-left corner, and Rei's handwriting was scattered more or less generously on them. Nagisa didn't understand most of the text, as it was in English, and Rei's notes were difficult too, because of the scientific jargon. But a picture paints a certain number of words, and nothing could send more shivers down Nagisa's spine than the sight of _the cage_. His expression went blank. There was a schematic of the metal coffin he had been placed in during the experiment in one of the papers! On the next page, he recognised his name, added in the margin by Rei. An arrow linked him to a word in the text: “placebo”. Breaking a cold sweat, he turned back to the front page of the article, where Rei had summed the title up in Japanese as “muscle strengthening during immobilisation – most promising”.

Nagisa wiped his forehead as his memory threw back at him his first moments in the contraption. His breathing tightened as he remembered the pain it caused his ribcage.

“ _You'll be swallowing liquids from now on. There's medicine in them so your muscles won't deteriorate.”_

He recalled the feeling of numbness in his throat when the man force-fed him, and the sensation of fluid trickling down into his most often empty stomach. There was supposed to be medicine in that. But no: “placebo”. He had been lied to. In reality, nothing had been done to stop his muscles from becoming weak.

 

“Nagisa-kun, can you not find it? I think I left it on the shelf...”, Rei called, as he walked in on his dearest friend staring at the contents of his one and only grey sleeve, and breathing heavily.

“Rei-chan”, Nagisa croaked, “what's the meaning of this?”

Rei hesitated, but quickly decided that there was no point in being dishonest in any way. The tone of his flat-mate's voice told him he'd arrived too late.

“It's the results of clinical trials... done during the experiment.”

“I've already worked that out, stupid.” That last word startled Rei. He had become accustomed to physical pain during the AMR project, but he hadn't really faced verbal assaults. That it was the young man who shared his life who threw such a tantrum at him added to the surprise of being labelled 'stupid' in the first place. He saw more daggers pointed at him when Nagisa turned his head.

“I mean what's this sort of thing doing here? And with remarks like 'very promising' scribbled on it?” Rei couldn't just stand there. He had to defend himself.

“I can explain...”, Rei mumbled. “I know you're not interested, but I need answers... to know that we didn't suffer in vain... It's part of my personal recovery process. Please, just ignore it, leave it alone, Nagisa-kun.” He made a step towards Nagisa, who reeled back to signal he'd reject any advance Rei made.

“You don't understand, Rei-chan. I've seen too much, I can't unsee.”

The blue-haired man gulped. Things were going very wrong indeed. He hanged his head down and tried to justify himself further.

“That result is a good one, though. It could help people in a coma...”

“I couldn't care less, Rei-chan!”, Nagisa asserted, starting to raise his voice. “Doesn't it trouble you that I... _WE_ had to suffer to get it?”

“That's what I'm trying to say: I need to know that what happened to us was somehow worthwhile, that there was a point to it!”

Nagisa couldn't believe that those words came from the same man who had brought so much hope to him when he awoke in hospital. He suddenly felt estranged and betrayed. His eyes teared up at the same time as his cheeks flushed red with fury. He ripped the page with the picture of the sarcophagus out and shoved it at Rei's face.

“That was ME in that frame, Rei-chan! You know it, you saw me in it!”, he shouted. “Try telling me back then that it would all be worthwhile!” He dropped the sheet of paper, revealing the pained face of a pensive Rei. During the short visit the two had in the middle of the treatment five years prior, there was no way Rei would have said such a thing, because he didn't know everything would make sense eventually. But he couldn't answer Nagisa that way, it would only make things worse. He just sighed.

 

Before he could think of anything else, a fist had swung into the side of his head. The hit knocked him off-balance, and he fell to the floor, clinging to the ledge of the shelving nearest to him in an attempt to soften his landing. He hadn't even settled when he saw the grey sleeve and the rest of his research be flung at him. He looked back up in shock as Nagisa, more physically imposing than ever, yelled furiously at him between sobs.

“If it's you who need answers, why put your nose in my part, huh? How could you do this to me? After everything I've done to help you... I thought you cared, I felt loved by you and I loved you back, but this... I CAN'T LIVE WITH YOU ANYMORE!”

Rei was too stunned to answer back, and he only moved again once Nagisa had stormed out of the study and wailed out into the corridor. By the time Rei managed to get up and reach the still open front door of the apartment, his companion was out of sight.

***

It was sure nice to see Sosuke and Gou again, and both of them were well, but Makoto couldn't help but worry about the other two. “Sorry, I can't make it tonight. I'm not feeling well”, was the text he had got from Rei. When asked “what about Nagisa?”, he had replied “I can't speak for him”. Makoto sensed something wasn't right. He tried to call Nagisa, but got no answer. He left a message and got a text back five minutes later: “can't join you, sorry Mako-chan :(”.

The cancellation had surprised Sosuke and Gou too, while Makoto became genuinely worried. He wanted to check on them, but Sosuke insisted that he relax and wait for the next morning. Only Makoto couldn't relax, whether he was worrying about the other two or not. It would have been convenient for him to get out of the restaurant and go somewhere private. He hadn't been in a large town for a long time, the diner was busy, and it made him nervous. Anyone he didn't know around him could have bad intentions. When he had tried swimming again with Haru, both ended up unhappy. While Haru became scared when strangers got close to him, Makoto actually felt worse, for it was the eyes of others he couldn't manage, especially that time, when he was topless, showing his body. It was no wonder Rin had never swum again.

Speaking of people looking his way, “that guy is watching me eat... I don't like it”, he whispered to his hosts.

“That's the waiter, Makoto”, Gou replied. “He's looking to see if we've finished yet.” Makoto started to take larger mouthfuls. If he ate faster, it would be over sooner. Sosuke noticed.

“Take your time, he's only checking occasionally to know when to come and take the plates away!” Sosuke knew what Makoto was going through: it was exactly the same problem Rin had. “He's _not_ looking at you inappropriately. See, he's surveying the room.” Makoto shivered and didn't dare to verify. Instead, he made sure he chewed his food a little longer, if it could please Sosuke to spend a little more time in this restaurant he'd recommended. In fact, he'd worked here before deciding that night work wasn't ideal: he couldn't spend the evenings with Gou. At that moment, she placed one hand on the table and moved it towards Sosuke, who placed his hand on hers. The two exchanged a loving glance, and the young woman winked before briefly rolling her eyes in Makoto's direction. Sosuke smiled, and spoke.

“You know, Makoto, I understand if you're disappointed that we ended up just the three of us tonight, but I think we have some news that will make your trip worthwhile...”


	10. Dead Certainty

Nitori groaned as he woke up on the sofa in the early afternoon. He'd had a trying night, and he had needed some sleeping pills to get some rest. On the living room table, he noticed a lamp still on, shedding light on a small electronic device. Ai got on his knees as he dropped from the settee, and crawled towards it. He touched it with one finger. He prodded it again, turned it around. It seemed real. To wake up properly and be sure, he'd need some coffee.

While sipping the hot beverage and eating a little in the kitchen, his phone rang. Upon seeing the name, he remembered what had happened during the night. It immediately made him tense. He wasn't sure how to react. Should he answer and confront the guy, or take a more passive-aggressive approach? He decided to pick up.

“Nitori, what do you want?”, he growled. A sad, wailing voice was on the other end of the line. “Yeahyeah, I know all about it... Because Nagisa-kun was here, he stayed the night... No, you can't talk to him... 'How is he?', how do you expect he's feeling, you prick?!... Oh, you're worried, _now_ you're worried.” Rei was desperate for information, but Ai didn't want to give much away. “All I'll say is that Nagisa-kun has moved on now... Ha! Like hell I'm gonna tell you where he's gone! He doesn't want to see you, so I'm not going to let you chase after him!... Ryugazaki, just give up. I'm not telling you anything! I'm not going to let you hurt him... Yeah, well you did hurt him! He needs time away from you now, and you'd better understand that!”

Ai hung up angrily. He reminded himself of Nagisa arriving on his doorstep with the saddest eyes he'd ever seen and pleading for shelter. When his closest friend had told him why he was such a state, Ai was taken aback. He had needed a moment alone to think over what was going on (he didn't want to be rude and talk to himself in front of Nagisa), and when that was done, he had picked his side.

Strolling back into the living room, he saw that the device was still there. Now he was more alert, he got back to examining it. It was most definitely real, yet almost too good to be true. An intricate electronic gizmo with a tiny, blinking LED, so it was working. A Toe Labs logo, and beneath it, a code name that began with 'GEO'. Obviously, it wasn't meant to be found in the first place, but its purpose was so poorly concealed that Ai read it again a dozen times before believing it.

He was irritated by what he'd uncovered, but at the same time, there was cause for satisfaction. This was the proof he and Momo needed, and he'd obtained it thanks to Nagisa. He sighed. Poor Nagisa-kun. Ai shed a few tears, trying to comprehend what he must have gone through, realising that his flat-mate was secretly and coldly revisiting his tortures. It was as if Momo had taken up a covert passion for the effects of different combinations of drugs. Granted, Momo and Ai had a rocky time together, and it had eventually got to the point where the latter decided to live separately, but Rei's behind-Nagisa's-back betrayal was on another level.

To get over his sadness, Ai gave his bathroom a thorough clean and a tidy-up, then he washed himself. He felt freshened up, but when he got back to the front room, the device was still on the table, radiating an uncomfortable sense of impending doom. What was next for him, now that he knew everything? Well, not quite everything. He still had doubts over how much Rei was double-crossing.

Rei was the intellectual type, so he might be spontaneously interested in this sort of thing. Plus, he didn't have a degree yet, so he didn't have the qualifications to work for the lab. Or was that his aim? His major was psychology, but Nagisa had said that the clinical side of his trial had nothing to do with that. The size of the folder his friend had described led Ai to believe that Rei was interested in the experiment as a whole. He froze with a stress relief pill still in his mouth when he realised that his tests might be in there too. He gulped, which made the medicine go down, but Ai had forgotten it was there. He was fixated on the likelihood of Rei doing exactly what he thought of earlier, the thing that he would never have forgiven Momo for.

“The bastard!”, he yelled, slamming his fists into the cushions of the sofa repeatedly. He took his anger out rather consciously, hitting soft objects to avoid harming himself. The pill he had taken started to calm him down, so he sat and turned on the television once he had vented enough rage. It was the end of an early-evening game show, everyone on it was having a good time, but Aiichiro was apathetic. For how long, he didn't know. His thoughts and feelings had been all over the place since he'd got up and his mind was still a mess, although the medicine was rather efficient at making him want to chill out.

After the credits, a news flash came on. Nitori's eyes opened wide as a picture of Nagisa was displayed.

“A young man, Hazuki Nagisa, aged 22, 1m65 in height, thin build, blond hair, magenta eyes, living in the East residential area of Tottori, has been reported missing by his flat-mate. He was last seen by friends or family this morning, a few blocks from home. If you have any information about Hazuki Nagisa's whereabouts, please contact the police.”

Suddenly, Ai's meds weren't working so well. The brief announcement infuriated him! Rei had only last heard from Nagisa 24 hours ago, and there he was, already reporting a disappearance! And it was getting airtime in the media straight away! Why couldn't he give the poor guy a break? Once again, Nitori was yelling to himself, albeit with a softer voice as his pill was relaxing his body somewhat. Suddenly, he looked at the table. The lamp was still on, the device was still blinking.

“Oh shit.”

The police was looking for someone, and a geolocator linked to that person was in his house and emitting. Rei and the lab would probably use the signal to home in on Nagisa, and find it here. _The lab would come to get him._ Panic started to set in, but Ai was just going to have live with it. He didn't have the time to knock himself out, he had to think and act quickly. He didn't have the time to involve Momotaro, nor did he want to involve him and put him in danger. Aiichiro would have to beat the chain reaction and uncover the full truth all by himself.


	11. Three Visitors

Rei had managed to sleep the second night after Nagisa's departure. The main reason was that he was exhausted by 24 hours of overwhelming emotions and worry. He had contacted as many people as he could in the afternoon: the Mikoshibas, the Tachibanas, Sosuke, a colleague of Nagisa's, Nagisa's sisters, Nagisa's parents, his own parents... Only Nitori had claimed he had seen Nagisa at all that day, and his ex-flat-mate's mobile was going straight to the answerphone, which meant that the battery was dead.

He couldn't rest unless he knew something was being done to find Nagisa and make sure he was safe, so, in agreement with the Hazukis, he called the police and told them Nagisa had gone missing. Just as he had finished his deposition, Makoto called to say he'd got home safely after a bizarre weekend out. In return, Rei told Makoto to prepare his family for the upcoming media alerts on Nagisa's disappearance.

“Isn't that going a bit far?”, Makoto asked. “He hasn't been gone long.”

“No-one I think he would go to has seen him since this morning”, Rei sniffled.

“He could just be camping somewhere, like that one time he...”

“Camping with what?”, Rei interrupted. “He didn't take anything with him. Even if he is, I don't like to think he's doing that in this town. It's not safe... And all I want is... just to know that he's safe.” Makoto understood. He had questioned Rei's idea, but he would probably have done the same. He was known for pestering his siblings when they were late coming home after school, when they were just hanging out with friends along the coast, like he and Haru used to do. With that, Makoto told Rei to lie down, now that someone was looking for Nagisa.

 

Rei had already seen Makoto that morning. He felt ashamed to show himself in such a state, not having slept, struggling to put a sentence together as he broke down at the very thought of Nagisa and what had happened the day before. But the kind Makoto lent his shoulder for as long as necessary, and even told him to stop trying to make sense for a moment in order to vent his feelings. While his presence was comforting, Makoto was just a large pillow. Rei wanted to be hugged and cradled, like Nagisa used to do after a particularly long and intense nightmare, but Makoto was uneasy with touching people.

Only when Rei had calmed down on his tear-soaked lap did the _senpai_ ask what had happened.

“He found the research papers. As expected, he didn't like it... He ran away.” Rei started to cry again as he put the next sentence together: “he ran away from me.”

There wasn't anything very original Makoto could say to reassure him. “Nagisa will be fine, give him a moment and he'll come back. He's liked you from the moment you met. Your bond is surely stronger than this.”

Makoto made a starved Rei some lunch with whatever he could find in the kitchen. He got a text from Sosuke, asking what was wrong with Rei and Nagisa, but he couldn't answer honestly, as he didn't want to spread over-alarming news.

“They're both feeling down, just a bad moment. It'll sort itself out.”

 

While Makoto's visit had been welcome, Rei was less enthusiastic when he saw who had decided to visit the next morning, waking him up from his slumber.

“Oh, sorry Rei-san, I appreciate that this might a bad time...” Paul had seen Rei in a bad state before, so he wasn't bothered by the strained and grouchy look the blue-haired student gave him. Rei still allowed Paul in, and made some tea, at least for himself to wake up.

While Rei was in the kitchen, Paul wandered around the living room. He hadn't come just to show compassion. He had a mission. With an AMR test subject missing, his plans were in serious jeopardy. He had to act quickly and discreetly. Pacing back and forth, he read through a list on his smartphone, titled “remove ASAP”, so as remember all the elements on it. Although he had only just put one out, he was craving another cigarette. The stress he was in was extreme. Thankfully, Rei wasn't awake enough yet and too apathetic to notice. He just came in with a tray, two mugs and a teapot, placed it on the table, served the tea and sat in an armchair. When Paul saw the full mug for himself, he put his phone in his jacket, thanked Rei and sat down. The American spoke first.

“So, Rei-san, forgive me I'm a little blunt... What's this disappearance about?” Although he expected to be asked about it, Rei was still affected. On one hand, he didn't want to say too much. It wasn't Paul's business.

“He found out that I was looking at the AMR results. As expected, he didn't like it. He ran off, but he hasn't gone anywhere I'd expect him to. So I'm worried, and his family is too. That's all there is to it.”

“Man, I sure hope he can be found quickly”, Paul replied, holding critical information back. He wanted to just come out with the fact that he could help locate Rei's friend. Giving Nagisa back to him sounded like an awesome way to gain his trust once and for all. He had to prepare the terrain first though, by removing other proofs of intrusion, that Rei might interpret as betrayal. He wanted a tour of the apartment, but that could wait. Both were slowly drinking their tea.

On the other hand, Rei knew that the full scientific aspect of his life was something he could only talk about with Paul.

“I told you I didn't think it was a good idea for me to study”, he said. “Just look at Nagisa-kun: the less you want to know, the happier you are.”

“That may be the case for him”, Paul answered, “but not for you, Rei-san. Like I said last time, you're the sort of person who needs to know everything.” Opposite him, Rei sighed with exasperation. Not this talk again. Paul stopped himself from going into a speech and apologised.

“Maybe we shouldn't think about this now”, he concluded. “Be patient, wait for this to blow over, and you'll see. Anyway, I'd urge you not to give up, or at least keep all your options open.”

The two continued to sip their tea calmly. It was an awkward situation for both of them, neither knowing what to say to the other. Rei was getting to the point of wondering what Paul was even doing here, while the doctor urgently needed to get down to business. But how? He couldn't just get up and walk around by himself... Or could he?

“Rei-san”, he said with an anxious voice, “can you direct me to the restroom please? Don't get up, don't bother, just... tell me, I'll find it.”

“Through there”, Rei replied, pointing at the corridor, “before-last door on the left.”

“Thanks.”

Paul breathed a sigh of relief when he got to the back of the corridor, and took out his phone to check that list, before locating the object he needed. Instead, his attention was drawn towards an alert.

“Who's this, getting close?”, he whispered, while walking into the bathroom to hide. He opened an application which told him that two beacons were approaching the apartment: Nitori and Nagisa.

“Interesting”, he mumbled. Maybe a joyous reunion was about to take place. He'd be so happy, it would take a lot of weight off his mind. Things could continue as planned. But then he remembered the reason Nagisa had fled. His presence would certainly be counter-productive. He flushed the toilet, pretending to have been, and darted out, back into the living room to pick up his things and go, and hope that if he passed the two arriving young men, he wouldn't be recognised.

Rei had cleared the table, and came back in just as Paul was putting his coat back on.

“Going?”, he asked.

“Yes, sorry, Rei-san”, Paul answered hastily, breating fast. He sounded in a big hurry. “It was nice to... have tea with you... I just remembered, I have an appointment at 10.”

The doorbell rang and Paul's shoulders sank. He was going to have to sneak past Nagisa, praying that he could get out without blowing the reconciliation by just being there. He took his phone out again and thought hard about deleting the “remove ASAP” note. He decided he should wait until he was out of sight of everyone.

 

Rei opened the door and froze immediately upon noticing the gun. Two turquoise eyes looked up at him angrily through a grey fringe.

“Nitori-kun?!”

“Get back inside, Ryugazaki. No shouting.”


	12. Stand-off

**Notes for the Chapter:**

>  _This_ is the scene that I saw when reading AMR.

Despite the terror of his life being threatened, Rei couldn't hold back a rebellious remark.

“Nitori, I know you're angry about what happened with Nagisa-kun, but are you out of your mind?”, he mumbled, walking backwards with his hands up.

“I should be so lucky as to be out of my mind, Ryugazaki”, Ai replied, as he followed the blue-haired man into the living room. “You're the one with a lot to answer for.” He then noticed the other person.

“Who's that?” Rei stayed silent, which irritated Ai. “I'm talking to you: who is that?”

“Please let him go. If it's me you're mad at, leave him out of this”, Rei pleaded. He wanted to reason with him, but the threatening young man asked again: “who is that?”

“Easy, Nitori-san”, the stranger answered. “I want no-one hurt, and certainly no-one dead.” The face wasn't familiar to Aiichiro, but the voice, the tone and the accent were. If this was a hallucination, it would be one of the most terrifying he'd ever had. But he had enough clues from Momo to know it was true. His eyes threw all of his hate in the direction of the person he recognised.

“Paul...” He looked back at Rei and instructed him to go over to that side of the room.

“Momo-kun said you were here, Paul”, he stated. The doctor was confused, Momotaro wasn't supposed to know he had visited his brother. “I struggled to believe the crazy bugger, but now I have all the proof. It all fits: you've been following us, and Ryugazaki's been your eyes and ears.”

“What are you talking about, Nitori?”, Rei asked, completely baffled. Ai picked up the lounge phone and called a short number. “What do you mean?”, Rei reiterated. Ai waved the gun in his direction.

“Can't you see I'm on the phone?”, he moaned, before the other end picked up. “Ah, police?” Aiichiro gave the address he was at and said that he was holding two men at gunpoint. Paul and Rei were confused: why would he call the authorities on himself?

“Yes, at gunpoint because they're dangerous, they're the leaders of a child exploitation and torture ring.” Rei's jaw dropped.

“What the hell, Nitori?!”, he yelled, only to be interrupted by a shot at floor just in front of him. It made him jump back. Ai was dead serious about this. The officer on the phone was telling him to calm down.

“I will only be calm when I know these two have been stopped”, he continued, then he hung up.

 

With his call and the neighbour below panicking, Ai had done enough to ensure the police would come. Until then, he stood on one side of the lounge, nearest the windows, pointing his revolver at the other end, where Paul and Rei looked on. The American tried to reason with Nitori, saying that “child exploitation” was nowhere near the truth.

“We didn't exploit you in any way. We didn't force you to do any other task than get into a frame of mind that would beat the Insanity Virus.”

“That's not true”, Ai retorted. “Your partner Ryugazaki has been looking at the other things you tested on us.” The blue-haired man broke his silence, insisting that he wasn't working with Paul.

“I only met the guy again two weeks ago!”, he defended himself.

“Oh, like that means you haven't been in contact...”, Ai replied. Rei pouted and understood that there wasn't much of a discussion to be had. He couldn't prove the contrary, so Nitori would cling to his idea. “You've been keeping him posted on our state in the ongoing experiment... Whatever that's supposed to discover.”

“Ongoing?!”, Rei spluttered.

“Yes”, Nitori hissed. “The one in which we're all being followed around.”

“This is ridiculous”, Paul intervened. “Toe Labs _is_ constantly checking your health, but through your doctors! You all know this, it's in the AMR contracts.”

“Is being pursued by men in white coats part of 'constantly checking our health', Paul?”, Ai protested. Rei rolled his eyes: the grey-haired maniac really did believe it!

“Is THIS part of 'constantly checking our health'?”, he continued, pulling a small device out of his pocket.

“What is that?”, Rei asked, squinting to try to make out what the small object was.

“Don't feign ignorance, Ryugazaki. You know it's a geolocating chip. And I found it on Nagisa-kun.” Paul gulped loudly. He knew exactly where that chip came from, and realised that the missing Nagisa was most likely in a bad way.

“What did you do to Hazuki?”, he asked nervously. The anxiety quickly spread to Rei as Nitori gave ambiguous answers.

“Now, I want you to know that Nagisa-kun came to me very distressed about this... And about what you did to him, Ryugazaki... And I did my best to stop that suffering.”

“Where is he?”, Rei demanded with a more pained look on his face with every second that passed since his companion had been mentioned.

“I sent him somewhere you two can't get him, somewhere he'll be safe from your crazy experiments!”

“What does that mean? What have you done to Nagisa-kun?”, Rei yelled. He wanted to lunge forward, pin Nitori down and make him confess, but a trembling hand was pointing a gun in his direction and keeping him in check.

“He was my only friend”, Ai replied with a hint of sadness. “He was my only help, and you ruined him. You and Paul, your work is all about taking the people I need away from me!”

“No, you've taken him away yourself”, Paul accused. Rei was panicking inside at not getting an answer about Nagisa's well-being.

“I'm not the one who was reviewing his tortures behind his back!”, Nitori snapped. “And I'm not the one who sent men to turn Momo-kun against me! And I'm not the one who made Rin-senpai leave!”

“Come along, it was no-one's fault that Makoto still had the virus dormant in him and he had to go back”, Paul defended.

“Maybe, but there were many ways to beat the illness, and Mister Smart-Aleck here supported using Rin's trials on Makoto!” Rei was taken aback. He was being blamed for Rin leaving!

“I thought that because we didn't know anything about his treatment, it would be more effective that way...”, Rei explained. “I just wanted to be sure Makoto would be cured properly that time! How was I supposed to know Rin would react the way he did?”

“Oh, so your experiment went wrong?”

“You're the one who's gone wrong, Nitori!”, Rei defiantly shouted. “Nagisa-kun told me you were told you shouldn't be living alone. Look at what it's done to you! You're becoming a sad, paranoid, deluded psycho!”

 

At this stage, sirens could be heard outside. Paul tried to defuse the situation, as the verbal fight with Rei may have taken something out of Ai's determination.

“You can still opt out of doing more damage, Nitori-san”, he said softly.

“No”, was the answer. “The damage is done. I'm taking full responsibility. I'm going to jail for this, but I sure as hell am taking you with me.” Paul and Rei were disappointed. “It won't be much longer now...”

The rest of the waiting was done in silence. After a couple of minutes, Rei noticed a shadow at the window behind Nitori. It was an armed policeman getting in position. He kept his nerve, but jumped when the phone rang. Ai picked up.

“Poilce, the apartment is surrounded. Is this the hostage taker?”

“I am the one with the gun, if that's what you mean.”

“Two hostages, am I correct?”

“They're not hostages, they're criminals.”

“But there are two of them, right?”

“Y... Yes.”

“What are your demands?”

“Demands?!”

In his mind, Ai was losing his footing. He thought he had made the situation clear during his call earlier: he wasn't a run-of-the-mill hostage-taker, he was a vigilante bringing down an organisation that tortured youngsters. To his dismay, the authorities were not on his side. He started to sweat more as he felt cornered into making a radical decision.

“I don't have time for this shit”, he mumbled.

He hung up and fired twice in quick succession. In a desperate attempt to escape the attack, Rei collapsed to the floor behind the armchair, eyes shut, hands on his head and screaming. There may have been a third shot, but the sound of shattering glass, he heard distinctly. It happened in slow motion, yet so fast. His ears were barely recovering from the bangs when he was yanked up off the ground. Not an unfamiliar feeling to him...

“Get off me, Quinn”, he thought. How stupid. For all he knew, it could be his last moment, with Ai lifting him up to put the gun to his head and make sure he didn't miss, and the first thought that popped into Rei's mind was the name of the man who repeatedly beat him senseless in that badly decorated, electric mine-laden room. His eyes were still closed, but he felt he was being led along, wherever, by whoever had grabbed his elbow, while his hands moved down a little to try to cover the whistle in his ears.

A moment later, he could distinguish shouts between people whose voices he didn't recognise. He opened his eyes. He was outside, facing men in dark uniforms. The officer next to him pushed him down to sit him on the pavement, and enveloped him in foil. It took another few minutes before he controlled his shaking and came to his senses. He eventually remembered what was happening just before the explosion of noise.

“Paul! Ai! Where are they?”

“ _Nagisa-kun!”_

He hailed a policeman walking ahead of him.

“Don't kill Nitori!”, he told him. “He knows where the disappeared boy is!”


	13. Pictures of the Past

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Actually, there ended up being a little more implied sexual content here, since, to add to the horror, Redmangos and I figured out that Makoto could go through Rin's programme the second time... The scene ahead may be disturbing (even by this fic's standards).

That morning – Makoto called it 'a morning' because he'd been allowed to sleep –, the man's attitude was no different to any other time. He put one arm under him to sit him up, and he stuffed the other hand through the conveniently-placed tear in Makoto's T-shirt to caress his chest. The hapless young man started to cry, and nausea crept in at the thought of what this pervert was going to make him do next. Usually, it was either disgusting stuff or the treadmill. And if he didn't last long on the treadmill, it would be disgusting stuff anyway. The man didn't talk to him in a different manner either, but the words were different.

“It's a big day for you, pup. I have news.” Makoto paid attention. “Do you remember your best friend from outside the lab?”

“H... Haru?”, he whispered.

“Yes, Haru. It turns out Haru has caught the virus again. He's coming back here.” That news was enough to make tears stream out of Makoto's eyes, but what was next made him bite his lip harder than he'd ever done.

“And guess what... Rin's programme is what we'd like him to follow.” Makoto knew what this meant. “Everything Rin's been through, and everything you've been through this time, is what awaits Haru. Paul has shown me pictures of him... in a swimsuit... He's good-looking... He's sexy... I look forward to getting to know him when you're gone.” To emphasise his point, the man was touching an uncontrollably shivering Makoto ever more indecently, and started licking his neck up to his ear.

“ _You can avoid this.”_

Makoto gasped. “Yes, you can stop Haru from going through this, if we cut a deal.”

The man stood up, and other lab men entered the room to haul the subject out into the blinding white corridor. They stopped in front of another door. The weakened Makoto could stand, but his mind was wearing itself out in a vicious guessing game. He didn't know what to expect behind the door. Would it be Haru? Was he going to be molested in front of Haru? Was he going to be made to watch Haru get molested if he disappointed them?

“You've faced a choice like this before, and you refused, didn't you, pup?” Makoto's head popped up as he understood what that meant: more torture to reduce Haru's. He had looked forward to the day where he could make up for the time he didn't say “yes” fast enough. But at the same time, he couldn't imagine what he'd have to take in exchange.

“Well, this isn't quite the same choice.”

The door opened. There was a schoolgirl, no older than 13, hanging by the wrists from the ceiling. She was dark-haired, which reminded him of Ran. His tormentor spoke loudly and clearly.

“You can't cancel his session entirely. I mean, I'm sure you want your friend alive, so we have to cure him somehow. But you might not want him to be made into a sex slave like you have been. You can change his programme. To save him from sharing your fate, you're not going to have to _receiv_ _e_ some extra pain: you have to _pass it on_.” The man picked up a bloodied baseball bat off the floor and held it out for Makoto to grab. He returned to his quiet, suave voice. “Hit her, poppet, or Haru gets you-know-what.”

Makoto looked at the girl. She was already badly bruised and ever so thin. She was crying, knowing that her torture was being discussed in front of her. Her fellow victim thought hard. If the pain had been his, even in his state, he wouldn't have hesitated. It would have been too easy a choice for him and the doctors knew it, that's why he was made this offer to hurt someone else. He didn't know how long he was expected to do this for... It looked as if he was bound to break a bone or two... Could it kill her?... However, there was no way he wanted Haru to go through the degrading treatment he'd been put through. All he had to do was get through this bad moment. He took the bat, and hobbled forward hesitantly. The girl was crying louder as she heard him get closer.

“ _No faking it. Hit her properly.”_

Makoto wished he was blind so he couldn't see the dirty tool in his hands. He wished he was deaf so he couldn't hear the girl's pleas. He wished he was dead so he wouldn't have to go through this. He was as much in tears as the suspended teenager when he made the decision to swing the bat...

The moment it crashed into the girl's thigh was the moment he had stooped low enough to defeat the virus. He could progressively come out of the induced coma. He could wake up. None of the beating had really happened, yet his mind had recorded every single sensation. The exhaustion from the running, the body heat from his rapist, the feedback from the bat... It had been as good as real. In that experience, he had successfully been pushed to abandon his caring nature for a short while, and as a result, he had sworn he'd make it up for it by paying more attention to those around him than ever before.

 

Two days after he had returned from his weekend in Tottori, he once again felt that he had failed in his mission to protect a loved one. He had taken some paint from Haru's atelier, figuring that they were colours that he never used, so it would be fine, and began composing on a sheet of paper in his bedroom. Haru knocked on his door and entered without waiting for an answer. What he heard horrified him. Makoto was quietly singing a tune he hadn't heard in a long time. Looking onto the desk, he saw that his friend had vaguely scribbled a shadowy, menacing wolf-like creature in the top-right corner of his paper with a pencil, and a cowering blue dog in the bottom-left corner with a ballpoint pen. Makoto was using the yellow paint to sketch a light-haired dog, lying on its back and with its eyes crossed out, in the middle. Haru knew what the red paint was going to be used for.

“ _And man's best friend perished...”_

Makoto's song was cut off by Haru snatching the paper, crumpling it up and throwing it into the hallway.

“Haru, what are you doing? Is it that badly drawn?”, Makoto asked, disappointed. He looked up and saw that Haru wasn't really angry. He seemed sad.

“I came up because I need those colours”, he said. Makoto became puzzled: Haru always painted dark and cold pieces. “Take them, and come with me”, he continued, holding out his hand.

“I don't get it”, Makoto weakly protested on the way down the stairs. When they got into the atelier, Haru set up a square canvas on his easel, and put on the apron with which he used to cook fish. He finally explained.

“Those dogs and that song aren't a good way for you to grieve. We're going to paint something else.”

“We?! But what can I do? I'm not as good as you at this”, Makoto replied.

“I want you to think about the good times. Think about him, not about how he ended up.”

A photo was taped to the table nearby; it would be Haru's model. Both looked at it with nostalgia. Makoto started to cry, and Haru went closer to him.

“You didn't know. There's nothing you could have done”, he reasoned, before taking his dearest friend in his arms to let him evacuate his sadness. Empathetically, Haru was not above shedding tears himself, as he took another look at the photo.

***

The police car dropped Rei off at the foot of his apartment block. The crime scene status had been lifted in the afternoon, and it was with a heavy heart that he trundled up the stairs to his flat. His last 'normal' moment in the building had been four days earlier, when he woke up next to Nagisa mid-morning. They had laid in as they didn't know how long the night ahead would be. Makoto was coming to town, and they wanted to make a bit of an event out of it so that he would feel welcome. Having breakfast, going out for a short run, showering, lunch...

After that, it had been hell. The argument, the break-up, the shock, the sadness, the answerphones, the worry, the police station, the ominous visits, the gunfire, the hospital, the detective's office. At that last location, his worst fears were confirmed.

Nagisa wasn't coming back.

Rei pushed the front door. It was unlocked, but he thought nothing of it. The police mentioned that it could be open. As the intervention team had smashed in the living room window, which had since been boarded shut, the main entrance was intact. Rei lumbered forward, feeling empty, and took off the shoes he had been lent. On the shoe cabinet stood a picture. Him and Nagisa enjoying ice creams on the beach on the islands off Iwatobi. The sight of Nagisa's smile, the first time he had seen it since Saturday lunchtime, effortlessly jerked tears out of Rei.

He wasn't going to see that smile ever again.

 

The words the inspector had told him would stay with him forever.

“ _The body was found inside Nitori's apartment. I'm so sorry.”_

 

A noise from the lounge caught Rei's attention. He peeked in, and saw two men standing either side of his armchair. They were wearing white coats. Clearly visible on them were Toe Labs logos. There was no point in running away. Rei didn't even fear the men, he was too depressed to be scared. He had lost his most beloved friend, so there was nothing left to lose. He didn't care what they were going to do to him.

“What is the meaning of this intrusion?”

“We mean you no harm, Ryugazaki-san”, one man said. “Please have a seat.”


	14. The experiment is over

Rei angrily refused to obey the men. He remained standing and told them to leave.

“We need to talk to you”, they insisted.

“I talked with Paul just the once and it landed me in the deepest shit I've ever been in.” The oft-polite Rei wasn't above swearing at this stage. “Worse than AMR, who would have thought that was even possible? You might not harm me, but you're not going to help either, so just get out. I don't want to hear from Toe Labs ever again. If I catch the virus, let me die.”

“You're frustrated, Ryugazaki-san, we understand”, one of the men replied. Rei clenched his fists and one of his eyes twitched. 'Frustrated' was such a massive understatement, it came across as disrespectful. “There is just something we... and Dr. Harvey want you to know. You won't see us again after this. Please sit down.”

“Fine. Get on with it then. I don't want to sit.”

“Suit yourself”, the rather old man who had done all the talking so far said, taking the armchair. He introduced himself as Dr. Masahiro Toe, founder and Chairman of Toe Labs. Rei's eyes widened. Before him sat a man at the helm of a multi-billion-dollar pharmaceutical empire. And all he wanted to do was slap him.

Dr. Toe began his well-rehearsed speech: “in all its activities, my company pays special attention to the human factor. Given what you've been through, this may come as a surprise, but I beg you to believe that it is true. For us, a death in a test group is a red line. Had any of you succumbed during the Adolescent Mental Resistance project, for _any_ reason, whether the virus or... misconduct, let's say, we would have stopped the experiment to inform you and offer release.”

Rei was taking the information in. Amazingly, it was the first time he had heard what the initials AMR stood for.

“And the same goes for the late Dr. Harvey's Young Adult Traumatic Experience Recovery programme. With his untimely death and that of a test subject,...”

“Fuck you, that 'test subject' was my best friend!”, Rei interrupted violently. He always hated that he and his friends were constantly referred to as guinea pigs. The man next to Dr. Toe, who turned out to be a bodyguard, started to walk towards Rei to strike him for verbally assaulting his boss, who stuck his arm out to stop him.

“Let it go, this isn't AMR”, he said. Rei looked at him defiantly and the chairman returned an offended expression. “Due to the death of Dr. Harvey and _your_ _best_ _friend_ , we must stop the project that was underway. To keep things simple, Dr. Harvey was interested in studying the recovery of victims of traumatic events, and confronting some of them with trigger elements. The aim was to examine the effect of these trigger elements on the recovery process, and how those who faced them would interact with others on the subject. We had a team of psychologists, psychiatrists and sociologists on the case. It was an ambitious project.”

Rei had sat down during the revelations, and hanged his head down. It was confusing him.

“So the people in lab coats that Nitori mentioned... were real. But how did you not think that it was a bad idea? For all your 'human factor' speech, why did you try to traumatise us more instead of letting us be?”

“I would like to stress that support for the project was not unanimous within the company.” That didn't help Rei. It was presented as an attenuating circumstance, but it didn't explain anything, or reveal Dr. Toe's personal opinion. “Anyhow, we're in the process of closing the experiment”, the boss concluded. “This includes offering formal release to the test subjects.” He snapped his fingers, and the man next to him produced a large folder.

“We would appreciate it if you would do a few small things on our behalf.” Rei was baffled.

“You said all I had to do was listen and you'd disappear!”, he complained.

“They are small things”, Dr. Toe insisted while he went through the paperwork. He took out a set of six brown envelopes. “All you have to do is hand the others their release letters. They contain all the information on what we have installed to supervise you, and act as surgery prescriptions for implants you've been carrying since the end of the AMR project. We have contacted Mikoshiba about his brother, and obviously, we will not make you deal with Nitori, but we think that going through you would be a softer way for the others to find out. They trust you. For starters, here is yours... and it's only fair that we give you Hazuki's. As you were living together, it's pretty much the same list anyway.” He then took out a handful of sheets of printed paper, and handed them to Rei. It was titled “ETG Contract”.

“ _Of course, we do not expect you to do this for free.”_

Rei read on the front page that ETG stood for “Experiment Termination Guarantor”, and in the middle of the second page, the sum that was being offered was very large indeed. But it didn't get to him.

“I don't want it”, he said.

“It's more than you'd ever get if you chose to sue us, Ryugazaki-san.”

“I'm not asking for more and I don't plan to sue you. I'm not asking for anything, I want to be left alone! I'm not signing this.”

“But you do want the power to bring all this to an end, don't you? You want to be sure that we will never deal with you again. Look at paragraph 14: it legally binds us to do just that. No more following you, from near or far. You will be completely free from us.”

Dr. Toe took his best pen out of his jacket, and held it forward over the low lounge table.

***

A while later, the men had left, and Rei was alone to discover what was in his envelope. Next to a letter of apology signed by the Chairman of Toe Labs, was a document that listed the surveillance measures he had been subjected to. As Paul had hoped, he had only been aware of one of them: the “informant doctor”, who was obviously giving away more details than he should. Below on the list were an “informant neighbour”, and an “informant student”. Their identities were redacted. He couldn't believe it: people in his entourage had spied on him for the lab! His computer had been hacked into, and some sort of virus was implemented to make AMR results pop up when he made a work-related search. He remembered how he first learned about the side-results of the experiment – and realised that the articles were _his_ “trigger elements”. His reaction was to get interested, which was what Paul was hoping for. He had told Rei that he was a strong, independent, stubborn man, but he was manipulating him all the way.

Finally, Rei read about three electronic devices. One was the geolocator, placed inside him at the end of AMR to keep track of him, but since Project YATER had started, it was being used more extensively. The other two were small microphones. For the first time since the shooting, he went into his bedroom, and found the slightly unusual stone in a pot plant in a corner. He looked at the bed, and remembered what he and Nagisa had done on it. He growled as his discussion with Paul a couple of weeks earlier made complete sense.

 

“ _It's nice to meet someone who appreciates the work at its real value.”_

Paul already knew everything about Rei when he came to meet him...

“ _Unless you're all gay, of course.”_

...including his most intimate secrets, that no-one should have known.

 

Entering a violent fit of rage, Rei flung the bug across the room. He roared a salvo of obscenities while stamping his foot on it until he realised that his shoe-less heel didn't stand a chance of breaking it. Instead, he threw all the things off a bed-side unit, and used that to squash the spy.

When he was satisfied that it couldn't work anymore, he set out to find the other, which was hidden in what was originally Nagisa's bedroom. He felt no relief at destroying the intruders that had raided his privacy. Instead, he had a flashback to the experiment when he was tossed around the room. He was doing the same thing to these microphones, and suddenly felt bad about it.

Dizzy and perturbed, he went to the bathroom to cool off by washing his face. His attention was suddenly drawn by a razor. He froze and stared at it, before slowly picking it up and extracting a blade.

“ _I seem to remember physical pain was more bearable than this.”_

He knew what he was about to do, and he felt shameful. Sniffling, he put the sharp edge on the skin of the side of his left forearm.

“ _It must have been if I liked it at one point.”_

He pressed the blade onto his arm and yanked it in the direction of his elbow. The intense stinging made him open his hand in a reflex move, meaning the cut hadn't gone as far as he anticipated. His screams covered the sound of the bloodied blade falling on the tile floor. Rei yelled, holding his forearm.

“ _It fucking **hurts**!”_

That was a both stupid and sane thing to say. Stupid, because _yeah, you just cut yourself with a razor blade, what were you expecting?_ But it was also the first time he had made such an obvious observation in a tone of rejection. He didn't want to feel this. Looking down at his wound, he flashed back to that day in hospital, when Nagisa's hand landed on his with a force he didn't think was possible at that stage of his recovery.

“ _Don't do this to yourself again.”_

Rei gasped. He had failed to keep his promise. For the first time in years, maybe, but it was nonetheless a failure.

“I won't do it again”, Rei whimpered. “I promise... Nagisa-kun.”

He wanted Nagisa to be there and hug him. But that reminded him that he would never feel that again. Nagisa was gone forever. On top of the continued sting from the fresh cut on his arm, Rei's broken heart relentlessly made a steady flow of tears pour from his eyes as he broke down louder than ever before. The hits he'd taken all over his body years earlier paled in comparison with the lurching and heaving of his chest as his heavy breathing exhausted him to the point where he collapsed on the bathroom floor. Even during the experiment, Rei had never felt so desperate and in pain at once. He wasn't sure he'd manage to get up again, in any sense of the term. So he just sat there, alone, bleeding, and wailing endlessly.

For Rei, all hell had broken loose in the space of a few days. And, as Makoto once said of his second treatment, “hell isn't any easier the second time you're dragged through it”. A defeated Rei grasped how cruelly true that sentence was.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise Rei will stop crying eventually...


	15. The friendship is over

Momo sat, facing the glass that separated him from a similarly bare setting on the other side of the room, where a door opened and Aiichiro limped in with the aid of a cane; he had been shot in the leg during his apprehension. He sat on his chair and lifted his head to face his former flat-mate. He looked tired, worn out by the interrogation process, hadn't shaved in days, and his skin was extremely pale from a lack of sunlight accumulated over several weeks at least. He was an unhealthy, greyscale shadow of his former self, with only a hint of blue in his eyes, and the most colourful part of him was the orange prison overalls he wore. This was actually the first time in months that Momo had seen him. Only now, and knowing what he had done, Nitori didn't seem human to him anymore.

“I'm sorry to see you here, Momo-kun”, he said calmly. “I did tell the detectives that you weren't involved. But they asked me about your calls... I guess they couldn't not arrest you aswell.”

“I'll defend myself just fine, Nitori”, Momo replied. Indeed, he had a lawyer with him, while Ai didn't. He didn't intend to make excuses. He was “taking full responsibility”, as he put it in front of Paul and Rei. He accepted that he was going to be put away for a long time. It's not like he felt he'd had much of a future since Rin left.

“Fuck, what got into you? Hunting down Nagisa and killing him?”, Momo demanded.

“I did not hunt Nagisa-kun down”, Ai corrected. “He came to me. I did not use any force on him.” His ginger-haired friend was shocked at his stern reply.

“No force?! You killed him!”

“I'm not denying that, and I never have. Let me explain. Nagisa-kun had found Ryugazaki's files on the experiment, and it had made him very unhappy. He left Ryugazaki, and came to me for the night. He was devastated, he had been betrayed.”

“So you killed someone who was _on our side_?!”, a stunned Momo interrupted.

“He had learned enough. I didn't reveal any more, he was in too bad a state. I couldn't count on his help to bring Ryugazaki down, and I couldn't even bring myself to mentioning him. The only thing I could do for him was protect him from the truth.”

Momo had a few elements of the enquiry at his disposal, including the fact that Nagisa's body had been found badly mutilated.

“So _you_ betrayed him too!”, Momo whimpered. “He trusted you, and you turned on him and stabbed him...”

“Wrong again! I remind you, I used no force! I sent him away gently, by giving him the red alert.” Momo was gobsmacked as he realised how Ai had done the deed. Both he and his attorney were trembling before the calm the murderer demonstrated. “I put plenty of salt on his meal, and dissolved the tranquilisers in his drink. He gulped it down without a worry. Then he fell asleep. Those drugs work quickly, but as he was unconscious, there was no suffering. I held him as he slipped away, with my head under his neck, feeling his pulse diminish, and I told him “the experiment is over... for you”.”

By now, Momo was shaking and had started crying. The pose Ai was describing and the words were the same as he had used with him to calm his fits when they lived together. Nitori was a little tearful, because he had been sad to take the life of his unrepairable friend, but he held on to continue his account.

“So you see, there was no violence. It was after that I used his body. This was the opportunity to find the geolocator, and get hard proof myself instead of relying on your speculation. It was back then I decided to take full responsibility: if I had been wrong, I would have followed him.” Momo brought a hand to wipe his eyes as he broke down further. He knew what was next. The existence of a tracking device had been made official to him that morning.

“I started doing what you did, feeling. Nothing. Then I looked for a conspicuous scar. But we all have so many of them... I had no choice but to look inside. I put him in the bathtub, and to be honest, I expected to make a huge mess!” Momo was nauseous and started retching. “But of course, he was gone, so the blood pressure was down, and it didn't fly everywhere. It was still a mess though. I mean, I hadn't seen the inside of a human body before...”

Momo had though. The gruesome images he was shown, with Nagisa's face attached to the butchered bodies, were popping into his mind. The lawyer found a bin bag in the corner of the room just in time as his client vomited, while Nitori continued to describe how he dissected Nagisa, regardless of the reactions it was producing.

“It was well hidden in the end: next to the spine, in the lower back, so I really had to get a lot of organs out the way to find it...”

“Shut up! SHUT UP! Can't you see I've had enough?”, Momo yelled, once he had caught his breath, sending some brown spittle flying onto the glass. Ai shrugged his shoulders. He was done anyway.

Momo had a moment of silence to wipe his chin. The lawyer then said that they should stop there and leave. His client didn't disagree. Ai called out as he got up.

“Momo-kun, I'm taking full responsibility. Even if you were the one who convinced me that something was up, these actions are mine alone. I'm going to jail for them, but I sure as hell will do everything to make sure you don't. I still see you as my friend.”

“I can't say I can return the feeling anymore, Nitori”, was Momotaro's reply.

With that, the two men on one side of the glass picked up their folders and left, while a policeman came in on the other side to assist Aiichiro out.

 

One of the walls of the room was a one-way mirror. Behind it, police inspectors and prosecutors had been taking notes.

“What do we make of the confrontation, then?”, asked one.

“I think we can rule out Mikoshiba being a direct accomplice in the murders”, replied another. “I do worry about him slipping through our fingers though, because he seems unstable. We need a precise charge, but it's tricky.”


	16. Proof of Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Published on Rei's birthday. Oh bugger, I'm so sorry...

Nagisa's family lined up outside the temple where the funeral service was about to begin. His parents' sadness was compounded by the poor relationship they had since the experiment.

As he had to completely rebuild his muscle power, Nagisa's physical recovery process had been long, unnerving and painful. It demanded patience, which the boy lost repeatedly. While his friends had healed quickly, he felt that his torture was going on for longer, and those tortures had been chosen by the lab upon his parents' indications. So each time he fell during re-education, he showed his displeasure and frustration to his parents, who, nonetheless, picked him up and carried him to his wheelchair through the tantrums.

But from the moment Nagisa had become strong enough to need only occasional help, that he could get from Rei if the two lived together, his parents saw him less and less. Such was his resentment, he didn't even accept financial support from them. “They took the bribe, it's their money”, he used to say. To Rei, it was tragic, but Nagisa wouldn't expand about it. He wanted to get on with life and do as much as possible, without depending on those who helped turn him into a lifeless puppet.

Although it seemed nothing they or Rei could say could change Nagisa's mind, his parents continued to love their son, and they longed for forgiveness and a reunion. And those hopes had been cruelly taken away from them.

 

Rei came out of the temple, and told the family that everything was ready inside.

“Thank you, Rei-kun”, wept the mother. “You've done so much for us... and for Nagisa-kun.”

“Say, Rei-kun”, the father said, “we'd be happy if you stood with us through the service. I mean, you were family to Nagisa.” Rei looked at the small crowd that had gathered outside the temple, and he spotted Haru, Makoto, Sosuke and Gou. He declined the offer.

“My place should be with the others”, he said.

“Perhaps stand with us now then, as we see the people in”, the mother asked. “You did pretty much organise this, after all.”

“Yes, I think I can do that”, Rei nodded.

With that, he pushed the doors wide open, and the relatives and friends began to line up to offer their condolences on the way in. Rei didn't get much attention from most of them, but he became very emotional when his friends came up.

Haru was carrying a canvas under a large cloth. After bowing to the Hazukis, he spoke while Makoto looked down in sadness.

“This is something I composed with Makoto's help, to remember Nagisa”, he said. “Please, we would like you to accept this as a gift.” He unveiled their work. Rei brought a hand to his mouth and melted in tears instantly.

It was a portrait of Nagisa with a wide smile, scintillating bright eyes and done exclusively in light, pastel, warm colours; not a trace of blue in sight, which was a first for Haru. The painting radiated joy like only the real-life Nagisa knew how to. The family was overwhelmed, and couldn't say anything. Makoto was concerned for a moment that they didn't like it, but was quickly reassured as the parents and sisters all came forward to hug him and Haru.

“Magnificent. Thank you both”, the father managed to squeak out.

“It is wonderful. Shall we place it at the altar, for the moment?”, asked the priest. The family nodded in agreement, and the work of art was taken to be placed next to the coffin.

Sosuke and Gou were next, and they had a message for Rei in particular.

“Rei-kun, we were looking forward to seeing you with Makoto that evening because we had some news. Perhaps it can brighten things up for you...”, Sosuke said, holding Gou's hand tight. Her other hand was placed on her tummy. Rei didn't need words to grasp what that meant.

“Whether it's a boy or a girl, we'd like to call our baby Nagisa”, Gou announced. “If you're ok with that.” The Hazukis congratulated the couple who, as a result, were also engaged. Rei struggled to articulate anything. The painting, the funeral, the child, and what awaited him later... It was getting a bit much. Ultimately, he stayed outside to see the rest of the mourners in. Nagisa's parents didn't notice that he hadn't joined his friends after all.

The decoration inside was unbelievably lavish: flowers ornated pretty much everything. The explosion of colours and smells made Sosuke's senses overload. Makoto was equally overpowered by the setting. But it suited Nagisa's character so well: eclectic, spectacular, sunny, marvellous! It contrasted with the gloom of the moment and the grey skies outside.

***

After the cremation, the AMR victims met at the Tachibana household at Rei's request. They shared some tea with Makoto's parents, then convened in the dining room. As he shut the door, Rei told his hosts to stay out.

“They might get angry”, he said. “Let them. No matter what you hear, let it happen.”

Makoto's mother looked nervous. She and her husband had been briefed on what was about to take place, and had secured the ornaments in their bedroom. As a result, the dining room was more bare than usual. Makoto, Gou, Sosuke and Haru were kneeling on the floor around the table, while Rei stood. The four had wondered why he seemed distant during the service, and could sense the stress their blue-haired friend was under. He took a sheet of paper out of the inside of his jacket, a deep breath, adjusted his glasses and started to read.

“I apologise for talking to you with a prepared speech, but I want to ensure that I stick to my message. You will see that lack of spontaneousness will be the lesser of my crimes, as were my annoying attempts at trying to talk to you about the clinical side of what we went through five years ago. I so dearly wish that this was all I had to apologise for. But there is more... Much more. My curiosity is what set this whole thing off, because Nagisa-kun found out and ran away. It was my fault he ran into danger, and there are no words to express how much regret I feel because of that. The loss is unfathomable to us all. Life was hard enough with someone like Nagisa-kun around us to lighten up our days; I cannot bear to think how hard it's going to be without him.” His audience was listening carefully. So far, they were compassionate. To them, Rei had nothing to blame himself for regarding the murders, but they understood what he meant and why he felt that way. After confessing this though, he still looked like he was carrying the weight of the world on his shoulders.

“But that is still not all I owe you explanations for. You found out in the media that Dr. Paul Harvey, the man who oversaw our trials, had come to see me, and was killed in my home. This was in fact the second time we met. His visits were not sollicited by me, but they were also not due to chance. The other day, lab representatives visited me again, and told me that there was another experiment going on. We were being followed, and some of us were presented with situations that were made to remind us of our time in the lab... They asked me to be the one to tell you.” Rei was trembling as he awkwardly moved to the corner of the room where he had left a folder. He took out three brown envelopes and bent down to place them gently on the table.

“As you can see, I accepted. These envelopes contain official releases from this experiment that we never agreed to take part in, as well as medical orders to have a tracking device removed from our bodies.” The four listeners were taking it all in with their mouths wide open, but weren't looking angry yet. Only Sosuke had the courage to reach out to pick up his envelope. Rei read on. “I have received and read mine, I promise there's no catch... For what I'm doing to you now, I feel most ashamed. The lab was cowardly in asking me to do this in their place, and I am a coward for giving in to their demands. I did so because... I saw the chance to make Nagisa-kun's funeral unforgettable. That is where the money on this contract has gone, there's nothing in it for me.” By now, Rei was shaking, and starting to lose his composure.

“I understand if you feel betrayed by me, doing this... I understand if some of you deem me unworthy of your friendship. All that is left for me to do is beg...” He fell to his knees and started to cry as he stressed his words. “I _beg_ you for forgiveness for everything that I've done! Please, don't let the thought that today was financed by dirty money from the lab, from me, get in the way of remembering our beloved Nagisa-kun!”

Rei could go no further. He had broken down in shame and sadness. He had felt he had no other option than to be honest with his remaining friends though, with the real risk of losing them, because he had hidden important things from Nagisa all this time. His four friends were stunned by the revelations, but also saddened by what Rei had put himself through. Haru moved first. He crawled a foot towards Rei and put a hand on his shoulder.

“Rei, I don't think you're a coward”, he said. “What you did was very brave, not many of us would have been able to take it.” Makoto also closed in.

“I'm still your friend too”, he said. “No-one's going to abandon you. We love you, Rei, and I'm sure Nagisa also did, until the end.” Rei managed to articule one more sentence before going into more uncontrollable sobbing.

“I just want you all to know that... the experiments are over... and I wish I'd had the chance to tell my Nagisa-kun when he was still alive!”

Nearby, Gou and Sosuke held each other tight. Sosuke wasn't one to be submerged by emotion, but Rei's sincere despair did get to him, as much as the sound of his wife-to-be crying on his shoulder. At one point, Gou managed to look at the other three. They were huddled together, and she got a flashback to when the boys swam together. She remembered their emotional moment at the National Tournament, and came back to the current scene. Where once there were four, there were now only three.


	17. Rei & Shinichi

Rei understandably no longer wanted to live in the apartment he had shared with Nagisa. He had spent a week or so staying with one of his fellow students in the run-up to the funeral, which had to be delayed for forensic examination of the body. The morning after, he thanked her for the assistance, and bid farewell. He had a long trip ahead, and his destination made him very nervous. Signing the guarantor contract granted him access to knowledge of Rin's whereabouts, and he was intent on handing over the final envelope to its owner in person. Even Gou accepted it was the right way to do it, whereas she had strictly enforced her brother's desire that no-one be allowed near him in the recent past. Plus, Rei would get a break from Tottori, if he would be welcome there. He took express trains to Sendai, where he stayed a night, then moved to the far North of Honshu.

 

Fresh winter weather was settling in in the mountainous region, but the effort required to reach the farm on which Rin was reportedly living, uphill on the country road, kept Rei warm. Within sight of the barns and cottages, he noticed two men herding cows. One of them was tall, young-looking; possibly Rin. The man shouted to call a dog: the voice was unmistakable. He walked faster, and stopped at one of the field's gates.

“Rin-san! Rin-san!”, he shouted, waving.

“Go away”, was the answer. Rei was unsure who Rin was talking to, as he remained with his back to him, so he called again. This time, Rin, who was standing only a few metres inside the field, turned his head and showed that he meant it: “go away, _Rei_.”

“If you're too busy right now, it's ok, I can come back”, the visitor tried to reason. The bearded man came closer. “It's just that I have news for you.” By the time Rei had finished that sentence, Rin was standing in front of him, and looked menacing.

“News, huh?”, he jabbed. “Do you think I've been living in a cave or something? You think I don't know about Nagisa? I know what's been going on. You're not needed here.”

Those words were a slap in the face for Rei. He stumbled back off the wooden gate.

“So it's true”, he mumbled. “You have turned your back on us... What kind of fool was I?...” His stance as he started to walk back down to the village was hesitant and clumsy. All this time he had missed Rin, and all this distance travelled just to get to talk to him again seemed wasted. Devastated by the rejection, he tripped up by himself and fell to his knees, crying quietly.

The other man, older, approached Rin and asked if he wanted the visitor escorted away. But the younger farmer gave it a moment's thought. He had been very indelicate to someone he hadn't seen in such a long time. As proud as Rin once was, he wasn't above admitting to a mistake here. He refused the man's help, climbed over the gate and crouched down next to Rei.

“Rei, I'm sorry for treating you like that. I just forgot... I forgot what Nagisa meant to you. That was foolish of me. You must be in great pain.”

“There are no words for it”, Rei answered, feeling a little comfort from the apology. “He died an unhappy man, you know... Because of me. That haunts me to the point I can't sleep some nights.”

“I have prayed for Nagisa's soul, I shall also pray that you find the strength to forgive yourself, whatever you feel the blame for.”

“Rin-san”, Rei sniffled, turning his head to see those fiery red eyes behind the dark fringe, eyes that would not return the look, “could we... could we share a prayer together for Nagisa-kun?” Rin thought for a moment. All Rei wanted was to spend some time with him. Deep down, surely he wanted the same. There was a bond between the two that dated back to when Rin had taught Rei how to swim the strokes other than the butterfly.

“Alright, we'll do that”, he said, before getting up as a moo could be heard from the field. “But first, we've got to get these gals back to the barn.”

Rei quickly regained his composure and stood at the fence, watching as Rin and his patron grouped the cows and walked them into the building at the top of the field. It was heartwarming for Rei to see his old friend had found somewhere to be in his element again. Back in Iwatobi Town, it seemed that nothing suited him, and swimming certainly didn't, since having to show bare skin in public was a no-no.

 

In the cottage annex where Rin had his private space, the two sat at the kitchen table for some tea. The host took the opportunity to straighten a few basic facts.

“You should know that I no longer go by the name Rin, which, I admit, is part of the reason I reacted so badly earlier. My name is Shinichi.” Rei was curious.

“Why the name change?”, he asked. Shinichi sat down and explained his decision.

“I realised that I had to let go of everything I used to be if I wanted to be happy again. The trial had made me hate my body, hate the water, hate hugs, hate looking at my friends and loved ones, and even hate my name. It was a girly name, and the man who tortured me used that fact to shame me. I do miss making my joke introduction, I guess. But the fact that Makoto was going to go through what I did for his second treatment... I understand it would be effective because I had stayed silent about it, but it made me realise I didn't want to be constantly reminded about my past. So I decided to leave everything behind, even my name.”

Finally, Rei had an understanding of what had pushed Rin to leave, burn some bridges, and become “the new one”. It all seemed obvious and natural now that he knew the answer.

“So what does your sister call you?”, he asked.

“ _Onii-chan_ , still”, Shinichi replied. Rei let out a slight chuckle.

“Of course, silly me.” Expecting he'd have to leave after their prayer, Rei now spoke to make his delivery.

“You know, perhaps I could do with a name change too.” Shinichi raised an eyebrow, and Rei's hand slid down his side to open his backpack. “I've done things of late that I'm really not proud of.” He began explaining what he had done in the months before the horrific events that had taken place in Tottori, and why he felt so responsible for the loss he had suffered. It was another painful account, but Rei felt so comfortable with Shinichi, that, for the first time ever, he mentioned the true, physical nature of his relationship with Nagisa. Shinichi reacted to the revelation with an untroubled, if not unsurprised, expression, to tune down Rei's feeling that he was abnormal. Shinichi knew that it was him who was abnormal, because that level of love and intimacy was something he wasn't capable of managing, with a woman or another man.

“So he meant even more to you than I had imagined”, he remarked. “The lengths you went to care for each other... That's really special.”

 

Shinichi wanted to take Rei to his favourite prayer spot, and the afternoon was going by fast. They walked up a steep hill for about half a kilometre before stopping at an opening in the trees on the mountainside. The view from there was spectactular.

“This tombstone looks a lot like my father's”, said Shinichi, and Rei turned around to see the small stone monument that he was talking about. “This is why I love this place. I come here at least once a week for a longer prayer.”

“You seem to have become rather religious, Shinichi-san”, Rei noted.

“Yeah, I've got a bit of a reputation, the postman takes the piss regularly! It's more of a personal discipline thing, really. It bounds my day, otherwise I wouldn't stop working. But it's also nice to take time and consider the bigger picture, to reflect on where I am, think of others... the afterlife...”

“And sometimes you guys”, he sheepishly concluded.

Rei crouched down in front of the tombstone and went into silent thought. He had one hand down, feeling the ground delicately. His other hand reached out and landed on the stone. Shinichi didn't know who was buried here, but he was treating it as if it was his father: he made a fist and bumped the monument.

 

On the way down, Shinichi remarked that it was getting dark. He suggested Rei should stay the night. Actually, it was a bit of an excuse; he was taking advantage of having a visitor to go to the pub after dinner. Mamoru, the postman, was there, and was glad that Shinichi had finally made good on his promise to come out.

“And who's this smartly-dressed chap?”, he asked.

“This is Rei, someone from my previous life. Rei, Mamoru.”

The evening at the tavern wasn't easy for Rei. He was shy, and not used to the noisy atmosphere. It didn't help that some of Shinichi's friends, like Mamoru, teased him on his clothes, calling him “the town boy”, and his low appetite for beer. Shinichi eventually stepped in to tell them to knock it off a bit.

“Thanks Shinichi-san”, Rei said discreetly. “But it's not all bad. I do need to loosen up a bit.” He then called the landlord for a second pint. As he usually drank next to nothing, three pints were enough to have some effect on him. He definitely needed Shinichi's help on the way back to the farm!


	18. The final test

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a clarification to the previous chapter the day after it was first published, in the scene where Rei confesses his Nagisexuality. I didn't want it to look like Shinichi had an untold judgement on Rei, rather that it was Rei who was unsure about what he did (because he was, if you remember chapter 3). Could have been developed further, but then again, so much could have been developed further in this, like Makoto's hesitation before snapping in chapter 13, but I tried to KISUMI – Keep It Short Und Mostly Interesting. I hope it wasn't off-putting.

Rei had a minor head discomfort in the morning, but he was glad. He was so glad he had seen Rin again. Sorry, _Shinichi_. The afternoon prayer and the evening at the tavern were the first happy moments he'd had since his last lunch with Nagisa. His mind was much lighter, and he lied in bed with a smile on his face. His first true smile in ages, it seemed. Reality hit him quickly though, when he noticed the brown envelope was still in his bag. The day before, he had been so caught up with talking about Nagisa, that he had forgotten his mission. That was why he had scripted his message to the others.

After breakfast with Shinichi, who was going to start his day late after a lie-in, he explained the situation with the second experiment, and handed in the letter. Shinichi had been completely oblivious to surveillance, because he hadn't spent any time with Nitori or Momo since their sightings had begun, so he didn't know of their suspicions. He was saddened to learn that it was the lab that had done the things that had isolated Nitori.

“So there was nothing I could have done for him, it was already out of control”, he thought to himself, referring to the earlier letter from Sosuke.

 

On his way out, Rei had one more question on his mind.

“Would Shinichi-san like the others to come and visit?” The host stayed silent. He wasn't sure. “They would love to see you again, and this place would do them a lot of good. I didn't mention, but Haru paints now, and he could get so much out of a view like the one up at the tombstone.” A bashful, pointy-teethed grin appeared in Shinichi's beard. Mentioning Haru probably did it.

“Yeah, I guess they can come”, he said. “Seeing you again reminded me of how much heart you guys have, and how much I miss that. And I have to allow Sosuke and my sister to visit, otherwise I won't get to be an uncle!” The pair laughed. Even if they weren't in a couple, they did have something to look forward to: a new Nagisa to bring joy to their lives. Shinichi reverted to a light smile and looked directly at Rei for the first time since before the experiment.

“It was great to see you. I promise I won't shut you out ever again. Have a safe journey back, I've got to get over to the barn.”

***

On the high-speed train from Sendai to Tokyo, Rei completed the last of his guarantor tasks for the lab: certify closure on the test subject files. He thought it would be just signing off a form, but instead, he had the whole files, the entire history of his friends to contemplate.

The first file was Nagisa's. Just seeing the photo on the cover made his mood dip sharply. The mugshot taken moments before the check-up on the first day of imprisonment at the lab showed his friend in an uncomfortable light. He looked scared, uncertain about what would happen to him next. If he had known...

A peek inside the file made Rei feel worse. There were notes about his medical history, his food and leisure preferences, all of which had a negative echo on the opposite column, which listed his tortures, or the “AMR protocol” as the form put it. The schematic of the coffin and the word “placebo” relative to his status in the drug trials reappeared. The expected and observed effects of his torments were written on the next pages. “How could I have read about this before and felt fine about it?”, Rei thought to himself. The argument with Nagisa had changed his outlook on what he was doing. Whereas before he wanted to make scientific sense of everyone's troubles, he now felt that he was being indecently nosey, invading a part of his companion's life that was none of his business. In reality though, he was looking for the section he had to complete. Between the AMR segment and that, there were more pages describing the recovery process. “Falls”, “short temper”, “crutches for 6 more months”... It was too much.

Rei stormed into the toilets in the carriage feeling sick and dizzy. He put some water on his face. He noticed he was pale.

“ _Come on... Just find that bit you've got to fill in and get it over with.”_

He returned to his seat and went through the dossier more hastily, focusing on the printed items rather than the written notes. He felt stupid when he found the Experiment Termination section on the back page. “I should have guessed it would be here”, he groaned. At least he could be faster on everyone else's files.

He had to read the closing assessment written by a doctor linked with the experiment, and tick a box below to say if he agreed or disagreed. He would then write “release given” and sign in the “ETG confirmation” box at the bottom.

Nagisa's status simply read “deceased”.

“It's hard to disagree with that”, Rei mumbled, as he put pen to paper.

Rin's final situation was very positive. “Recovered, social life rebuilt...” – agreed.

Sosuke was also doing well, as he was “in a loving couple, expecting a child” – agreed.

Haru was described as “reserved, but not more so than prior to AMR” – agreed.

Makoto got the most negative review: “dependent, lack of judgement” – agreed.

Seijuro was the guarantor for Momotaro, and the lab didn't want to expose Rei to Aiichiro, thus, he didn't have those files.

 

There was one left: himself. Although he could have legitimately done so, he refused to read through his plight again, and went straight to the last page. He mechanically ticked the box and signed off, before going back to the Status item.

“Cured of pain addiction. Curious and studying. Most promising.”

_Disagreed. Motive: not studying._

Rei had decided to abandon his studies in psychology, as he still believed that it was an important factor in the trouble he and Nagisa had got into. He wasn't returning to Tottori, moving back to his parents' home in Iwatobi Town instead. The day with Shinichi had helped him feel better, but the big picture was bleak. He had to rebuild his life.

Rei let out a noisy sigh as he stacked up the files and slid them across the table. The man opposite him put his hand on the pile.

“Thank you for your cooperation, Ryugazaki-san. Your efforts have been greatly appreciated. There's just one more thing the lab would like me to mention.” Rei pouted again and looked out of the window, frowning. It was supposed to be over!

“As a temporary Toe Labs employee in relation to a stressful project, you have access to a very special service. Memory erasing. It's a tricky operation on the brain, but it works. I was one of the executors during AMR, and I used it. If there are specific things you want to forget, the offer is there. That is all.”

Rei was impassive throughout the speech, but it played on his mind a little. It would be so easy to forget all the pain of the past couple of weeks. But that would mean forgetting important things like Nagisa's death and Nitori's betrayal. If he could forget those things, others wouldn't add up anymore; his past would become incoherent, and he'd notice it. He preferred to keep his memory intact. Some of his friends, though, might have been open to erasing a detail of their AMR experience that blocked them. Makoto, for example, could have forgotten all about the moment with the girl in his second experience that had scarred him badly. But Hayate had said that the procedure was reserved for lab personnel. It made Rei angry that his fellow victims hadn't had been given the option when it would have been interesting to use it, and he felt guilty for being given a chance the others had been denied.

He wished he hadn't known. When he had said something along these lines to Paul, it had been out of frustration, but this time, it was sincere. For the first time in his life, he would have genuinely preferred to remain ignorant. He didn't want to understand everything anymore, and yet he didn't really want to forget anything either, save from this tiny piece of information maybe. However, it certainly wasn't worth asking for brain surgery just for that. He had far more serious issues to deal with than this detail, and the man opposite him unwittingly reminded him of that, when he casually asked: “so, what are you going to do next, Ryugazaki-san?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, there it is, folks. I promised something very angsty and with an awful ending. As you can guess, this fic was rather heavy to work on (was I taking AMR too seriously? XD), very different to what I usually do, but still interesting. I'd like to thank Redmangos for her help in preparing this story. Thanks for reading, I hope you “enjoyed” it (if that's a word worthy of a fic this dark), and don't hesitate to leave a closing comment - how was it for you?
> 
> Some musical inspiration: “Odd Look” by Kavinsky (uneasy tune that hooked me at the same time as I read AMR and got the first ideas), “Eternity” by Robbie Williams (ReiGisa).
> 
> UPDATE October 2016: I've added a short fic set nearly two years after YATER, to give the characters a nicer closing arc than just being left reeling from the disaster here. Link below!

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [Return to Iwate - a YATER epilogue](https://archiveofourown.org/works/8118301) by [AERS_Radio](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AERS_Radio/pseuds/AERS_Radio)




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